well, I know there are some of you that wanted an end to my story.  it has been a rough year for my family but it seems to be healing little by little. Tom and I agreed to separate.  I had to follow my heart and my heart was and always will be with D.  The kids have had a rough go of it but Tom has been amazing even though I know he is hurting too.  I know that I have done a terrible thing to an amazing man.  He proves how amazing he is everytime we are with our children.  He even acts kind to D in front of the kids.  They have learned to accept him and are starting to think its kind of cool to have 2 dads.  Tom has started dating a very nice lady. Even though, it is weird to see him with someone else, I know I cannot have both of them.  There are some members of my family that have chosen not to speak to me but they will come around.  My relationship with D is still as exciting as ever and there are days we have to work at it but who doesn't.  I wake up every day and look into his eyes and thank god that my other half, my lobster, my Big has finally become part of my everyday life. We do plan to get married but we want to give the kids a chance to adjust one step at a time.  We also talked about having a child of our own but that is still on the table.  thanks for caring to all my blog friends adn I hope you all find your true happiness in 2009.  I am sure glad I finally finally have my happily every after.

I guess I haven’t really written lately and I know you have all been wondering what has been going on.  I haven’t written for a couple of reasons.  First because I don’t feel like being judged for the life I am leading right now.  I have been lying to my husband about my love for another man and I have been cheating on him.  I have become that person that meets her lover in the afternoon for a quickie, sneaks out at night with tales of shopping and pedicures to steal a few extra minutes with her lover.  I am ashamed of myself but I can’t seem to help myself.  I have come to the conclusion that I am leaving my husband and following my heart.  It has always been with D and it has always led me back to him.  I cannot deny what we have and I know that it will never go away.  The other decision I have made is that I will not ruin this Christmas for him or for my children.  They will wake up one last Christmas morning to both of their parents before we start a bitter fight about where they will be next year.  I am not looking forward to starting this process but I have given this a lot of thought and I know that I love D for all the right reasons. It is not just the sex.  It is everything he does for me, it is the way he looks at me, the promises he makes for our future.  It is the years that we have spent apart that leave a hole in my heart but I know that without those years apart  - I would not have my dear children that I love as much as any other mother loves her children.  For those of you that have said that I should stay with Tom for their sake, I think that is so unfair to put on my shoulders.  I would sacrifice my life for my children but I do not believe that this decision should be about that and that alone.  I know that D is a kind and caring man and I see how much he loves his daughter.  I believe that he will love and care for my children as his own and they will always have their father.  I would never not allow Tom to see them whenever he sees fit.  My children will not be the first to come from a home of divorced parents.  I think the kids that are harmed from broken homes are those that come from abusive homes or ones where one parent leaves and never comes back.  Our home will hopefully break up in a civilized way to where we will always be loving and caring parents to both of our children.  I believe that as long as we work together, we can make this transition as easy for them as possible.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not walk around with rose coloured glasses.  I know there will be harsh words, I know there will be anger, pain, tears and hateful exchanges but I also know that none of this will take place in front of our children. To them, we must always create a united front so that they are assured we love them and will always be there for them.

For those of you that were pulling for Tom, I apologize but I have to follow my heart and do what is right for me.  Yes, Tom is an amazing man, caring, loving, honest, sexy and all the things that a woman wants in a man. The only problem is I found him too late, my heart was already in someone else’s possession and I think he always knew that. So just think, now that amazing man has a chance to find a woman who will give him their unconditional love.  Thank you all for your comments and I am sure this post will generate some on both sides of the fence.  I will try to update more often.

I know, I know – its been so long since I have posted that you guys have either lost interest in my life or just assumed one thing or another.  I have been so busy with work and school starting that I haven’t had a chance to breath, so posting has been up in the air.  I have however kept up on reading all of your sites.  So, I guess you all want to know what I did with that letter.  I do still have it, it sits here in my desk at work.  Have I called him – no.  Before you all get too proud of me, let me finish.  He somehow got a hold of my email address and he sent me an email.  It was surprising at first.  Caught me off guard but I read it and it was much of the same as the letter.  It took me a couple of days to email him back.  I tried to make him understand that we had tried to make it work, not only as teenagers but as adults a few years back and it just wasn’t in the cards for us.  I tried to make him see that I made my choice, that I have a family that I am commited to and that I plan to keep that family together.  I told him that yes I do think of him, at times wonder what he is doing and how he is and of course I remember our passion filled nights.  I also told him that I remembered our fight filled days, the nights of wondering where he was with, who he was with.  I don’t have any of that with Tom. I know that he loves me and would never ever cheat on me, would never betray me or our family.

I asked him to please stop talking about us together because it was not going to happen but if he wanted to continue to email me occasionally about the weather or our respective families, that would be fine.  It was a hard email to send but it would have been harder to say those things to his face.  He would have been able to read on my face that I wanted him still.  Technology is a wonderful way to hide your true self, your true feelings.  It took him a week to email me back.  He told me that he understood everything that I was saying but what about living our lives for us and not for our families.  Did I really want my children to see a marriage of convenience or did I want to show them how 2 people truly mesh together.  He asked which kind of relationship I would want for Ella or for Owen.  He told me that he is a mature adult now, all that other crap is behind him.  He knows that he loves and wants only me and that letting me walk away without a fight was the biggest mistake of his life.  If this letter had come from anyone else, I would have believed all his promises of fidelity, loyalty, honesty and a lifetime of love, but I know this man, I know him inside out and that little girl in me, who’s heart he broke so easily, tells me that she’s heard it and lived it all before.

            After a few more emails, I did tell him that if all he was going to do was torment me, then to please stop emailing me or I would simply change it.  He promised to stop and continue to simply discuss other things. 

            So now, we are joking around and simply communicating.  I have learned so much about his life now, his daughter.  And yes, we do flirt a little bit but for the most part it is innocent.  I did tell him about my site – was that wrong?  He has been reading it and only commenting to me personally about what each post has meant to him, what he hates about it and what it has taught him about me, himself and our relationship through the years.  He laughs at what people say about it, yet I know it bothers him to read strangers calling him evil and stuff.  He is the only person in my real life that I have let into this part of my life and I did it because it is all about him and rather than tell him what our relationship did to me, I let him read about it, word for word.  I let him read how he destroyed me, loved me, broke me and put me back together.  I let him read about our wild sex nights that I wrote about and he was quite flattered that I was so explicit about it.  I also let him read about my family and the love I have for them hoping in some way, he could understand why I make the choices I do.  I keep trying to tell him and myself that I am chosing not to see him anymore, just emails.  I am chosing to put all those memories behind me and not let the touch of his hand effect me anymore.

Do I love him, of course I do, I will always love that man with every ounce of who I am.  Will I ever trust that man?  No, not the way you need to trust someone to live your life with them.  Will I ever see him again, will I ever touch him again, will I allow his magic to work over me again….Too many questions for one post.

I promise to try to update more often and keep you all up to date on everything.

Today I am taking a day off from talking about myself and my problems.  You see tomorrow in my ella’s sixth birthday and I have been thinking about that little girl all day.  I still have to sit and compose my letter to her which I write every year on her birthday to remind myself and someday her of all the wonderful things she has accomplished at the age of 5.

 

Today I am taken back six years to the day before she was born.  I woke up around 4:30am with some amazing stomach cramps.  Being that I have colitis, I naturally thought that I was just having some pains.  Around 8:30 am, I went to the washroom and noticed some stuff that isn’t usually there (sorry to any guys that read this).  I decided to call the doctor and he assured me that all was well and to get myself to the hospital.  I called Tom and off we went.  From the time we got there, it seemed that nurses and doctors tried everything they could to get my ella to come out.  I was induced TWICE, I had my water broken but none of it worked.  She stayed put.  Her heart rate kept plummeting, so a nurse sat in my room every minute to watch the monitor.  I remember thinking, why not just go in and take her if you are so worried – I did not carry this baby for 9 months, quit smoking, eat healthy, drink milk which I hate, take vitamins that made me sick, throw up for 6 out of 9 months just to have something go wrong now because you would rather me go naturally!!!  When they broke my water, they also noticed that she had swallowed some of her mucanium – for those of you that don’t know what that is – I am not really going to explain, lets just say she got something back in her mouth that had come out of her to begin with.  That also had them worried which in turn worried me.

So, now 23 hours later, the nurse finally says that it is time to start pushing.    I pushed for almost an hour and she would not come out, she had to be sucked out – poor little thing with a cone head L   When she finally came out, of course she was the most beautiful baby in the world and I am not just saying that – she had the biggest eyes, some would say they were to big for her little cone head – she has since grown into them quite nicely.

She was not a quiet baby – not by any stretch of the imagination – she cried, and cried and then cried some more.  I think she only slept about 10 hours a day which as any mother knows is not even close to what they should sleep.  I just thank god she was my first so that when she did finally sleep – I could sleep.

She has brought me more joy than I ever thought any single person could bring to my life.  She has already become a very independent young lady.  She can get herself totally ready to leave in the morning without even a reminder from me.  She is already becoming a shopping companion, a lunch date and I want her to think of me as somewhat of a friend.  I want her to be able to tell me anything, ask me anything without thinking she will be judged.  I am already drilling into her that I am always here for her no matter what.  I tell her that as long as she always tells me the truth, I will support her.  I assure her that she is a beautiful and smart little girl.  I want her to grow up knowing these things and what other people think of her is not all that important.  Its scary to think that little girls already talk about pretty, skinny, fat, ugly, stupid at her age but they do.  I don’t want her to judge people based on their appearances, to look past their clothes, their body type, their faces.  Find a friend, a love from the inside out.

I know that yes, I do shop for her at all the trendy stores and she knows the difference between the gap and walmart but I try to make her see that clothes are just that.

I want her to become a mature, confident and fulfilled woman – I want her to find true love and let it find her.  I want her to be everything to someone and I want to know that she is taken care of but also that she can take care of herself.

 

So today and everyday – I will love and adore my Ella Bella.

 

Happy birthday sweet pea –

 

All my love

 

Mom

 

I know I know, I leave you with this story and just refuse to update you on what’s going on and what I did.  Well, maybe I haven’t updated you because even after all the amazing advice, I still have not told Tom.  I cannot bring myself to see that look of fear and betrayal in his eyes and now it feels too late to tell him that I ran into D a few weeks ago.  I would get the inevitable questions of, why didn’t I tell him, was it because I wanted to go there again, had I met him alone, was I going to?  So may questions and quite honestly, I have no answers for him or for any of you.  I will tell you that I did go to the games last night…..

 

            I told my nephew to go over to his and I would be watching Ella tonight but I would keep an eye on him, I also asked one of the other parents to watch him for me so his safety was covered.  I saw him walk up to the sidelines and start looking around, he didn’t see me, then he looked over to where I was.  I am not quite sure if he saw me or not  but he stayed on his side of the field nonetheless.  I tried to watch the game without glancing over in his direction but I couldn’t help myself.  He looked amazing and I wanted to talk to him even though I knew I shouldn’t and that I promised myself I wouldn’t.  I could hardly control my heart rate standing this far from him, what would it be like up close and personal? 

 

            The game ended and I gathered up Ella and realized that I had never told my nephew to come to us.  I tried yelling for him but there were way too many people around so I started what would seem like the longest walk over to his field.  When I was close enough to get a good look at D’s backside, he stood straight up and turned around, looked at me and gave me that smile that I fell in love with so very long ago.  I felt my body want to melt into him, it would be easy to just walk up and plant a kiss on him  - I have missed those lips. I smiled back and he felt that a sign to walk over to me.  The closer he got, the better he looked.  “I love my husband, I love my husband” – I could hear myself saying it to myself.  He made his way to me and we made some small talk about the games we both watched and he asked me why I didn’t watch my nephew.  I told him that I wanted to watch Ella play.  He said that he would love to watch her someday.  I didn’t offer any invitations of that what you were all thinking.  I told him that I had to run to pick up Owen at my mom’s and that it was nice to see him.  As I turned to walk away, he put his hand on my shoulder.  I turned around and he handed me an envelope and told me that he was hoping to see me here alone and to read my letter.  I tried not to take it but I will admit that curiosity got the better of me and I took it.  We said our goodbyes and I walked away.  Of course when I was about half way to the parking lot, I turned to look at him and he was still standing there looking at me.

 

            When we got to the car, I opened the envelope.  This is what was inside:

 

 

            My Mary,

 

            When I saw you the other night, I realized how very long it has been since we have talked.  I don’t want it to be that long again.  I don’t want to waste my life wondering how you are.  You still look amazing and Ella is as beautiful as I imagined she would be.  I would like it if we could at least be friends, I miss you, I always have.

 

It was then signed with his cel phone number

 

I will confess that I would love to see him, love to talk to him, we always had an amazing time together.  I miss that man!  I also am adult enough to know that we have a very physical attraction and that it would only be a matter of time and we would be having some pretty amazing sex. I would ruin my marriage, break up my family as well as his and after that, I am not even sure I would want him for the long haul.

 

I sound like a confused teenage girl. I have not called him but I also have not thrown the letter away.

 

I know all you are going to say, throw it away, tell him to go screw himself, don’t call, please don’t call.  You are all right and your advice has been outstanding and I take it, and it does make me think twice.  But I still don’t know what to do.  I have to figure this out soon!

Here's another survey I found on someone's site that I thought was cool.  let me know if you do it so I can come and read it.

Do you think I am avoiding talking about something by posting lists and surveys???

 

101 RANDOM QUESTIONS:

1) Are you in a relationship with somebody?  Married to Tom, obsessed with D

2) Do you hate more than 3 people?: probably, but I can think of at least 3

3) How many houses have you lived in?: 3 houses, 1 apartment. 

4) Favorite candy bar?: wonderbar

5) Favorite shoes?: any type of sandal, hooker boots are cool too, who am I kidding, I love all shoes

6) Have you ever tripped someone? Yup – and it was funny as hell

7) Least favorite school subject? History, geography

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? No, and never will

10) Have you ever thrown up in public?: if I did, I was too drunk to remember

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind: my kids, my kids, my kids

12) Favorite genre of music?: not sure what they call it, but coldplay, greenday, nickelback

13) What is your zodiac sign?: Piecses – can’t spell it

14) What time were you born? My mom can’t remember – nice mom

15) Do you like beer?: on really hot days and only 1, then I get too bloated

16) Ever made a prank phone call? Oh yeah, haven’ we all

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own?: corey hart – still have it!

18) Are you sarcastic?: Who me?  I have been known to be a little sarcastic from time to time

19) What are your favorite colors?:pink, black, red

20) How many watches do you own? About 5 and I hardly ever wear any of them

21) Summer or winter?: Who would pickl winter – summer for sure

Why are these damn survey things always missing a ..22? dunno

23) Favorite color to wear? Black  or pink

24) Pepsi or Sprite?: neither – hate pop, if I must drink it, coke

25) What color is your cell phone? I just got the new pink razar – so cute

26) Where is your second home?: my mom’s

27) Have you ever slapped someone?: yes and it felt so satisfying
28) Have you ever had a cavity?: Yes...Years ago.

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom?: 3 – one is useless but it matches great

30) How many video games do you own?: just bought a couple for the kids v-tech but that’s it.
31) What was your first pet?: Dog

32) Ever had braces? Nope – always had perfectly straight teeth

33) Do looks matter?: I am not going to say that looks matter necessairy but initial attraction is very important, so the way someone looks is what attracts you to them so in a way yes! 

34) Do you use chap stick?: at times

35) Name 3 teachers from High School – nope

36) American Eagle or Abercombie?: American eagle for sure  cute clothes

37) Are you too forgiving?: nope

38) How many children do you want?: just the 2 I have - thanks

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?:whats that?  We don’t have that where I live

40) Favorite breakfast meal?: bagel with cream cheese and strawberry jam but I don’t have it very often – usually just yorgurt and fruit

41) Do you own a gun?: No – stupid question

42) Ever thought you were in love?: obviously – I have been in love and still am but with 1 too many people

43) When was the last time you cried?: about 2 nights ago when I started thinking too much like I always do

44) What did you do 3 nights ago?: watched Italy win the world cup – woohoo and enjoyed the night at our pool with about 20 of our closest friends for the game.

45) Olive Garden? Not bad, but I have had real Italian food – it doesn’t compare.

46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy?: Nope...What kinda of questions is that?
47) Have you ever been in a castle?:  Just the one in Toronto

48) Nicknames?: not really

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?: No

50) Ever been to Kentucky?: No

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? Yes, but once again, we don’t have one, had to buy it online

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?: Yup, D, Tom, my kids, me – anyone else and I couldn’t be working - LOL!

53) Have you ever called someone Boo? I call my daughter boo, she actually looked like Boo from monsters inc at the time it was out.  We would go out and people would tell her that so we started calling her boo. We actually call her ella-boo.

55) Do you own a diamond ring?: Yup – 3 of them and I could always use another

56) Are you happy with your life right now?: for the most part – quite satisfied but I think I expect too much out of life.  I want it all, fireworks, safety, security and risk at the same time – aren’t you glad you aren’t in my life

57) Do you dye your hair?: yes, light brown with blond highlights

58) Does anyone like you? I surely hope a lot of people like me

59) What year were you born?: 1973

60) What were you doing in May of 1994?: how the hell am I supposed to remember that.

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? No

62) McDonalds or Wendys?: Neither one...Junk.

63) Do you like yourself?: physically, I am happy with myself but there are things about me that I hate as we all do.  Emotionally, right now, no I don’t like myself

64) Are you closer to your mother or father?: I am close to both but of course I talk to my mom more

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? Eyes, abs, butt, smile, shoulders, back – who am I kidding, I love every part of them

66) Are you afraid of the dark?: Sometimes I hear noises and I hide close to Tom like a little kid

67) Have you ever eaten paste?: ummm, nope.

68) Do you own a webcam?: no, we don’t.

69) Have you ever stripped?: for someone – yes and it was very arousing and led to some great sex

70) Ever broke a bone?: nope – not yet – knock on wood!

72) Do you chat on AIM often? No
 

73) Pringles or Lays?: Lays

74) Have you ever broken someones heart? Yes, a few times and one of them is still my husband – imagine that – he must really love me

75) Rugrats or Doug?: Rugrats

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?: Full House.  – love jesse

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor? Yes, he was way too cool for his job and he was hot – all the girls needed a lot of guidance in school - LOL.

78) Has anyone ever called you fat?: No, at least not to my face but I am not fat

79) Do you have a birth mark?: Yup, on my leg

80) Do you own a car?: Yes, we own an acura 4 door and we are getting a BMW SUV  - so excited its my dream car.

81) Can you cook? Yes – pretty well too

82) 3 things that annoy you:
1. people who give advice on things they know nothing about

2. when my MIL tells me how to raise my kids
3. my BIL and SIL having a free ride

83) Do you text message often?: nope, I just call people still

84) Money or love?: Both!

85) Do you have any scars?: yes

86) What do you want more than anything right now? The answers – the answers!

87) Do you enjoy scary movies?: I have to be in the mood and the right setting – I never watch them when I am home alone – I am a chicken, also I like scary movies – not bloody movies

88) Relationships or one night stands? I have had a one night stand and it was exciting and amazing sex because I was free to do what I wanted because I knew what it was but relationships are definitely the way to live

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit? Juicy fruit

90) Do you enjoy greasy food? No, not really but occasionally I enjoy some home made  fried in lots of oil French fries but then I starve myself for the day

 91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?: Yes, who hasn’t

92) Do you own a box of crayons?: we own more than one, they are everywhere

Here we go again with missing questions!!!

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you? Owen, this morning before I left for work. I never get sick of hearing him say it(before you ask, Tom was already gone and Ella was at a friend’s house for a sleepover)

95) Who was the last person that made you mad?: D – when he touched me last week!

96) Who was the last person that made you cry?: D – when he touched me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it – I see a trend here!!!

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? Owen  - last night at swimming lessons when he told the other kids to stop crying – swimming was easy.

98) Who was the last person that you fell for?: this is a tough one for me, I plead the 5th

99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you?: no one

100) Who was the last person that called you? My daughter from her friends house last night to say good night

101) Who is the person most likely to fill this out?: ??? any takers????.

Just some facts about who I am and what I will do and be someday.

Can you tell I am bored today  J

 

1. I am a woman, a wife, a mother
2. I am very head strong
3. I am proud of my children
4. I am very health conscious
5. I am an avid runner
6. I am still self conscious of how my body looks
7. I am in constant pain from my colitis
8. I am going to continue to hide it for my children’s sake
9. I am going to keep fighting this disease
10. I am a very busy woman
11. I am riddled with guilt over my past lover
12. I am still totally infactuated with my ex
13. I am constantly dreaming of making love to him
14. I am in love with my husband – differently
15. I am comfortable in my life
16. I am very capable of giving my children anything they want
17. I am trying not to do that though so they learn the value of working for it
18. I am going to spend this weekend in my pool with my kids
19. I am going to get past this latest obsession with D
20. I am going to remember all the reasons I love Tom
21. I am very passionate about things I believe in
22. I am very involved in my children’s academic life
23. I will continue to be involved in every aspect of my children’s lives
24. I will forget about D and what could have been
25. I will rediscover the love I have for Tom
26. I will continue to tell myself these things until I believe them
27. I will help mold my children into self sufficient responsible adults
28. I will ensure they grow up safe, happy and healthy
29. I will make memories for them to keep a lifetime
30. I will always be proud of their accomplishments
31. I will make them own their mistakes
32. I will tell them of my mistakes someday
33. I will ask for their forgiveness
34. I will sacrafice anything for my family
35. I will help them as best I can without doing it for them
36. I will continue to find ways to fight my colitis
37. I will watch my kids graduate high school and college
38. I will watch them get married
39. I will encourage them to follow their dreams
40. I will be a grandmother
41. I will grow old with Tom
42. I will not let old feelings resurface
43. I will not kiss or touch D again
44. I will not have another affair
45. I will not leave my husband for D
46. I will not teach my children that cheating is acceptable behavior
47. I will not be the talk of the town again
48. I will not behave as a teenager
49. I am happy with my life
50. I will continue to be happy with my life
51. I will not leave the life I have worked so hard to build

 

 

So do you all believe me or better yet, do I believe myself.  I cannot stop thinking about him but I cannot allow those feelings and memories to destroy the life I have built.  The football/soccer is tonight and I have not backed out yet.  I don’t know how not to go, I don’t know how not to want to see him!

Let me pose a question to the masses.  Is it possible to ever get over your great love?  The one that stole your heart away and then got away?

I have been going over this in my head for the past week, ever since I ran into D.  I have not been able to stop thinking about him or our past.

I have read all of your comments and I really do appreciate all of them and I know that I have come so far with Tom that going back now would be crazy, stupid, impossible but…..

What would my life be like today if I had chosen to stay with him.  We would of course, have Ella, but would we have anymore children together.  I do know that if I had stayed with him, I would not have Owen and of course I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

But if I take all of those things out of the equation, would I be happy?

I know that I love Tom but there is this weird connection between D and I that I cannot explain.  I know there are skeptics out there that don’t believe that kind of love and connection exists but I think its because they have never experienced it, not many people do.  Most people find someone, fall in love and its enough for them and don’t get me wrong – it is enough, its what I have with Tom, but there is a different kind of love that exists.  It is an all consuming, intoxicating, can’t live without you or with you kind of love.  I swear I am not making this shit up!  As you know, I saw D last week and it has been years since I have seen him and yet, just the sight of him sent chills down my spine and the touch of his hand was too familiar and comfortable.  His hands were made to be on my body.  We just fit but there is so much about him as a person that made me turn my back on him, but did I make the right choice?  I am one of the people in this world to have found that love they write about and I walked away from him.  Am I crazy?

Is it possible that there is no way of getting away from it or him?  What if no matter what we do, we will end up together, one way or another?  The city we live in is not a small one, yet I still manage to bump into him on occasion, even if it is every couple of years, I know that someday I will see him again. There are people I have known for years and I have not seen them in years, yet I know they still live in the city.  SO why do I see Him and not anyone else?  I am riddled with guilt about seeing him and not telling Tom, yet I am more guilty of wanting to see him again!  Maybe I was just made to wonder what if for the rest of my life but is that anyway to live?

Trust me, I know how many people’s lives it could and would affect, I know I would be a terrible woman, wife, mother but my heart aches for him even all the years I never talked about him, it ached!

I know that so many will judge me for this but  how long can I continue to fight fate?

What if I was made to be with this man, shouldn’t I be then?

 

If anyone has any life changing advice, please feel free – even if you don’t think I will like what you have to say – I have put it all out there and I get what I get!

 

 

I saw him!  I ran splat into D on the weekend!  For those of you who don’t know who D is, please refer to all of my previous blogs to read up on who this man is to me.  Let me back up here, as I have mentioned before, my sister is going through a separation heading towards divorce.  She has 2 sons who both play soccer and football and it seems that their practices fall on the same night at the same time at 2 different parks, one of which is right where Ella has her soccer practise – have a mentioned that she is an amazing soccer player, fastest and best player on the team and I am not just saying that – all the other parents say it too.  I guess taking her running with me since she was 4 helped with her ability to keep on going through the whole game while the other kids had to keep stopping. She is lightning fast and has a powerful kick on her for such a little girl – you don’t even see her coming.  I told her to keep it up and someday it could get her places, we have a friend of the family – a girl who just got a full scholarship to the university of Alabama for soccer.  So one never knows.  Anyway – enough bragging – back to my story.  So since her son’s practise was at the same place as my daughters, I say that I will take him and keep an eye on him while I am there with Ella.  So last night, I take Ella, Owen and my nephew Aiden to the park.  I hand Ella off to one of the mother’s I know on her team so I can run Aiden over to his practice.  As I get there, I realize I have never realize that I have never watched Aiden play football, so I decide to run over and ask the other mother to watch Ella for me so I can watch my nephew play football.  She agrees and I go running back to the football practice.  As I a running back, Ella yells, I love you mom.”  I turn my head to yell back at her while I continue to run forward and just like out of a freakin movie, I run straight into someone.  He grabs my arms to help me not to fall and I look up to say sorry and there he is, standing right in front of me, looking better than I remember is none other than D.  For the love of God, why me!  I apologize for not looking where I was going and try to walk away and he stops me.  “ not even hello, how are you?  Didn’t I used to live with you?”  I apologize again and ask how he is and what he is doing there.  He says that his girlfriends son plays football on that team.  Are you freaking kidding me.  Of all the football teams, he has to be on this one.  I tell him that I am there for Aiden and Ella.  I point out Aiden because he has met him years ago and we go on to talk about how fast time flies, blah blah blah.  Then he tells me that I look great, time has been good to me.  I say that happiness has been good to me.  I ask if he is still with that witch but I did use her name.  He says that they have been still trying to work it out after all this time. Off, on off, on – same shit different day, typical D stuff.  I make a comment like, you will never change, always drama, always something.  Never just, things are good, nothing exciting.  He says that some things will never change, he still thinks about me and what could have been. I tell him not to go there, I told him that I would not allow him to suck me into a conversation about the past.  He says that he would like to say hello to Ella and I tell him that I don’t think it is a good idea.  He asks if he can just take a look at how she has grown.  I say its OK and I point out which girl she is.  I can honestly say that I saw in his eyes that he was happy, but a little sad to see how big she has gotten.  He said that she was as beautiful as me and that he think about her all the time.  He also said that he wondered if he bumped into her, if she would remember her.  I assured him that I didn’t think she would remember him.  I know that he loved her but she didn’t belong to him and either did I.  I told him that I had to go and I went back to Ella’s game instead of staying there.  When the practices were over, I tried to call Aiden over to us but Ella started running over to him.  I ran after her to try to keep her away from D.  We were standing right next to him while Aiden was getting his stuff.

D came up behind me and put his hand just on my waist and asked if I would call him. My stomach was full of those damn butterflies from his hand on me but I  answered - NO, I answered, I am not going there with you.  He asked if I would be back next week, and I told him not if he intended to hassle me.  He promised he wouldn’t, that he would just look forward to seeing my face once a week and that would be enough.  I gathered up the kids and said goodbye and he said bye beautiful and he said, bye bye Ella girl, that’s what he always called her and she politely said goodbye.  I know she doesn’t remember him.  She asked me in the car, who was that man, mom.  I told her it was an old friend of mommy’s.  She accepted the answer.  I didn’t tell Tom about our meeting.  I know, I should have but it is too hard.  I cannot stop thinking about him, the way he looked,  the way he smelled, the way his hand felt on my waist and the memory of what he used to feel like when we kissed.  I have to put it out of my mind.  But now I have a problem, do I tell my sister I can’t take Aiden anymore?  Do I offer to take her other son, while she takes Ella and Aiden but then I would miss my daughter playing and what do I do if I continue to go watch and he keep it up?  What if Tom comes one time and sees him, he will know I have been keeping it from him, he will think that we are meeting on purpose?

Whats a girl to do when you past becomes part of your present?

I don’t really have anything  exciting to write about other than my evil aunt at the moment so I am stealing the list idea from Jen and Cori.  I won’t give it a number yet, since I don’t know what number I will get to before I bore myself.

 

1. I am 34 years young
2. I have convinced my daughter that I am 29 so that’s what she tells people
3. On my birthday, she asked me if I was 30 now, I told her I was still 29
4. I have the million dollar family – a boy and a girl
5. I would have been happy with anything, I just wanted 2 kids
6. sometimes, I wish I could give Ella a sister because she will never know that bond
7. I have a sister and a brother, we are all very very close
8. I have never told my parents or my siblings that I love them
9. but they know
10. we were never brought up saying it, so its hard to say it
11. I tell my husband and my kids I love them all the time
12. I won’t bring them up that way
13. they tell eachother that they love eachother
14. when they aren’t trying to kill eachother
15. I hope ella grows up to be a strong, independent, responsible woman
16. yet I hope she finds true love – her soul mate
17. who isn’t an ass
18. I hope Owen grows up to be a strong, independent, responsible, caring man
19. yet, I hope he finds a woman who completes him
20. I found my soul mate
21. I was way to young
22. he was way to immature to realize what we had
23. I moved on and married my husband
24. I had an affair with my soul mate
25. I left my husband for him
26. then I realized that soul mate or not, he was still not mature enough to realize what we had
27. I went back to my husband
28. I have never regretted that decision
29. but at times, I miss the butterflies that D would give me when we touched
30. but not enough to lose my family for
31. I know what I did was wrong
32. but you cannot judge me until you have been there
33. I work full time
34. not because I have to but because I want to
35. I feel guilty about that at times
36. and at times, I crave to be at work rather than at home
37. some would say that makes me a bad mom
38. I think it makes me a better one because I make the most out of the time we have
39. my kids play soccer, swim lessons and ella dances and does gymnastics
40. we leave the house everynight by 5:45 pm
41. I try not to give them junk food too much
42. its not that I worry about them getting fat
43. we just don’t have that gene in our family
44. I just read too much about how many fruits, vegetables and protein they need
45. I am anal about their health
46. I do still take them to mcdonalds occasionally
47. but some people I know go at least twice a week
48. I workout at least 4 times a week
49. I actually like my body
50. my boobs are too small though
51. and I wish I had abs, real abs  - not just a flat tummy
52. I wish I had shapelier legs
53. guess I don’t like it as much as I thought
54. I try to be involved in my daughter’s school as much as possible
55. the principal hates me
56. we’ve had one too many confrontations about their rules
57. I speak my mind
58. I never ever back down
59. I will always have the last word
60. I am a good public speaker
61. I am teaching my daughter to be one too
62. I want her to be all the things I wasn’t
63. I fear for their safety every day
64. I find escape routes for every situation
65. like fires, buglars, falling off a bridge
66. hubby thinks I am crazy
67. I think I am prepared
68. I am terrified of outliving my children
69. I am also afraid of drowning
70. yet I love to swim
71. I shop way to much
72. and spend way too much money
73. but that’s why I work
74. we take 2 vacations a year
75. one with the kids
76. one without
77. I enjoy them both
78. I love reading everyone’s blogs
79. I also love writing my own and reading comments
80. my husband tells me I have a big mouth
81. I say that I stand up for myself
82. I teach my daughter that trait as well
83. I fear someday my kids will learn about my affair
84. and hate me for it
85. what would I tell them
86. how would I explain what I did and why
87. will they think I didn’t love my husband
88. I do love him
89. I am safe comfortable and totally loved
90. sometimes I long for the passion
91. what I read about in cori and keith’s spaces
92. that can’t live without you kind of love
93. that’s how my husband loves me
94. I try to reciprocate
95. the first time I went to Disney was my daughter’s first time too
96. we take them every year
97. the happiness they feel is worth what it costs us
98. I have 3 very close friends
99. one of them, I have known since I was a baby
100. our mothers were friends
101. one I have known since 7^th grade
102. and one since I was about 20
103. I don’t know what the hell is going on with these indents
104. but I can’t fix it
105. I am a loyal friend
106. and I have loyal friends
107. I would lay down my life for my kids
108. my oldest friend is my daughters dance teach
109. she always gets to dance in the Front
110. and gets special treatment
111. my sister’s marriage is falling apart
112. because he cheated
113. I don’t know how to console her
114. because I know when she looks at me
115. she sees her husband and what we have both done
116. I really do enjoy having sex
117. I think I am attractive
118. but not in a conceited kind of way
119. I try to be  a good person in general
120. I try to make up my affair to my husband all the time
121. sometimes I think he thinks I will do it again, given the chance
122. I wouldn’t
123. I don’t think…..
124. I have seen my ex again on occasion
125. walked the other way each time
126. he never followed
127. what would I do if he did?
128. I try not to think about it.
129. I have to stop this list
130. to many thoughts running through my head
131. plus I have to go to my daughters SK graduation in an hour
132. I can’t believe she will be in grade 1 next year
133. and Owen will start JK
134. I am old
135. they grew too fast
136. they were just babies yesterday
137. I miss the baby stage
138. but I don’t miss the diapers, crying, midnight feedings, teeth, etc…
139. I try to remember everything about them
140. I write letters to them every year on their birthday
141. they don’t know
142. I will give them to them when they are older
143. maybe on their way to college
144. or on their wedding day
145. haven’t decided
146. have lots of time to decide
147. maybe I don’t
148. weren’t they just babies
149. but think how cheap daycare will be in September

gotta go – have a good weekend!!!!!!!!!

Here’s the thing.  I have a cousin whom I have never trusted or liked for that matter.  He was a pain in the ass as a kid and now he is just a slimeball.  He is a cheating, lying, full of himself prick.  This story will start with me telling you that he stole $3000 from my brother – I won’t get into details of how but I will say that my cousin worked at a bank and my brother was buying his second house and went to him to assist with the mortage, appraisal, and so on.  My brother is a police officer so he really isn’t someone you should rip off but this cousin  did.  When my brother found out, he confronted him and of course there was denial but within 24 hours, my brother had a cheque for $3000.  First of all, if someone accused me of that, I would do everything in my power to prove I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t send a cheque.  So my brother told us the story and he left it at that.  Somehow my cousin got fired and his mother who is the pure evil blamed my brother for this.  Anyway, I will get to the point – I told the story to another one of our cousins and it got back to my aunt that I did this.  She called me up and called me every name in the book.  Let me point out that she thinks her son is God and can do no wrong.  She would never hold him accountable for his mistakes and make him deal with the consequences, she would rather cover it up, lie, cheat, whatever it took – great way to raise a kid to be a responsible adult – right!  Any way she proceeded to tell me that some day I will get whats coming to me.  Nice thing to say to your niece.  She even went so far as to say that my brother talking about her son and my sister in law having a miscarriage is karma.  I lost it on her for saying that.  I told her that she is no longer family, I told her she was not allowed to talk to or even look at me or my children – she doesn’t know us anymore as far as I am concerned.  She couldn’t believe I said that.  I told her that my job as a mother is to ensure I keep only loving people in my children’s life and that she no longer fits into that category by wishing us all harm.  Enough about the fight, my point is, do you believe in curses.  I will explain why – ever since she told me that I will get whats coming to me – things have been happening – little things like my car breaking down, getting a leak in our pool, the kids have both hurt themselves lately.  I know it all probably coincidence but what if it isn’t?  Should I be expecting the big thing to happen?  I have to see her on Sunday and I am afraid she will keep cursing me.  Am I being crazy and paranoid or am I cursed?

Alleycat put a challenge out there to list what a mom does from the moment our eyes open until we finally get to close them again.  So here is my average day.

 

6:00 am – on most days, I drag my butt out of bed to run on my treadmill.  I can’t run outside since my husband leaves before me and its illegal to leave your young children home alone.

6:45 am – jump in the shower and fix myself up for work.

7:15 am – start to wake up Ella.  As you will see later in this, her clothes are always set out and ready, every minute is precious in the morning.

7:30 – wake up Owen, which is chore in itself.  He is a sleeper like me.  On weekends, he sleeps until 10am so 7:30 is way to early for this poor little boy.

7:45 am – get the kids to sit and eat some breakfast, do Ella’s hair, pack lunches, snacks and try to pull something out for dinner if I remember, which is about 50% of the time. Throw a load of laundry in if I remember as well.  With a daughter that changes 3 or 4 times a day, I can do a load everyday!

8:10 am – leave the house and pack everyone and everything in the car, drop Ella off at her cousins where she catches the school bus, drop Owen off at daycare.  Almost always, leave feeling guilty for leaving him there when I could financially stay home and be with him everyday.

8:45 am – arrive at work, sit and have a coffee and realize I need to be here for my sanity.

12:00 pm – leave on my lunch to go and pick Ella up at school and drop her off at daycare.  Leave again feeling guilty for the same reason as above. 

12:40 pm – get back to work and eat my lunch, usually a salad or a simple sandwich while I work.

5:00 pm – leave work, go get the kids and drive home.  This is when my second job starts – the fun and exhausting one!

5:40 pm – start to fix dinner while the kids run around telling me that they are hungry, bored, want to go outside and play, want to eat etc…While supper is cooking, I try to throw a load a laundry in if I hadn’t done it in the morning, if I did, then I switch to dryer.

6:30 pm  - sit and have a family meal and try to talk about all of our days.

7:00 pm – clean dishes and sink, get snacks and lunches ready for the next day.

7:30 pm – play outside or inside with the kids for about 30 minutes or so.

8:00 pm – bathtime, storytime and bedtime.  This can take up to 45 minutes.

8:45 pm – sort out laundry, fold, put in separate piles to put away in kids rooms the next day.  Pick out clothes for both kids.  Pack Owen’s bag with essentials.  Look threw Ella’s backpack to see if teacher sent anything home for me to read, fill out or pay for.  I also pick one room of the house everyday to clean.  I cannot do it all at once so I have a method of one room a day and the rest of Saturday, it works out very well.  So we’ll say that today, I cleaned my bathroom.

9:30pm – pay some bills via internet – I love this, so much easier for me.  Read some blogs if time permits.

10:00 pm – Try to talk to hubby while I pick up stray toys, clothes, sippy cups.  Straighten up kitchen and figure out what I will wear in the morning.  Saves so much wasted time just standing in front of my closet.

11:00 pm – change for bed, watch the news, maybe a little letterman, talk to hubby, maybe have some sex if we aren’t both exhausted. Decide if I will exercise in the morning and set alarm clock accordingly.

 

That’s it folks, I am tired just reading it.  I also forgot that 2 days a week, Ella has soccer practice and a game.  Saturday mornings, she has dancing and starting in 2 weeks, 2 days a week, we have private swimming lessons.  So how many nights does that leave for just me – negative 4!!  Isn’t being a mom the greatest job in the world.  I wouldn’t trade a minute of it but I would like just 5 extra hours a day.

Here is a swiped survey.....

 

1.) When showering, do you start the water & then get in or get in & then start the water?

Start the water first.  Who would stand there and wait for such a shock?

 

2.) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?
not in the shower...but when I am buying one, I always love to read them all

3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial?
Are you kidding?  Depends who’s in there with me – see below!!

4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Yup, ever read my blog?  Love it, Love it, love it!

5.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?  NO, I think its gross!

 

6.) How old do you look?
probably about 27 – my current age.  I have been carded so many times at the bars/casinos!

 

7). Have you ever smuggled something into America?
Well, I live in Canada so I have never smuggled in, but have smuggled booze, smokes and clothes out – sorry.

 

8.). Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
Well, we are close to the Maple Leafs if they could pull their heads out of their asses long enough to win something. 

 

9.). Have you ever finished off the popcorn?

Like so many others, I LOVE the half popped kernels!

 

10). How many people do you think would come to your funeral?
Too many, Wops(Italians love a good funeral!)

 

11). How many of them would come just to make sure you're dead?
I am sure at least a couple!

 

12). Do you have more enemies or more friends?
Friends, I hope.  Some enemies but some very great friends 

13.) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter?

Ummm, no.  Received a couple.

 

 14.) Can you fix your own car?
Nope, my checkbook can!

 

15.) Have you ever turned someone down for a date? Of course, I don’t date just anyone.  I actually turned down my hubby 3 times before I agreed to date him! 

16.) Are you smarter than your friends?

I can say I think I am a little smarter than a couple, but definitely not all of them.  I have some pretty impressive friends.

17.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?

Clothes that I have borrowed and never returned count?

Maybe just one boyfriend way back when!

 

18.) Have you ever been to jail? To visit someone once

 

19.) Do you like the taste of beer?

I hate to break the trend here, but not really.  I am a wine girl but on a hot summer day by the pool  - a beer suits me just fine!

 

20.) When you see a car accident, do you slow down and try to see?
I try not to… but sometimes curiosity gets the better of me 

21.) Have you ever given to charity?
Yes, gladly.

 

22.) Would you kill a dog for $1000?  What a stupid question – if I said yes, how much hate mail would I get?  Of course not is my answer!

 

 

23.) Are you in love?

Yes, I think I have always been in love

 

24.) Do you kiss on the first date?

Not necessarily, but if the mood hits me and the chemistry is there –you betcha!  Ever read my blog about the night I met D?

 

Four Things   Four jobs I've had in my life:   1. cashier at the corner store   2. waitress at a nightclub until some guy asked me for a BJ and I spilled a drink on him and actually got in trouble from the boss saying that I had to be nice.  I guess a BJ is part of the service!  Not from me – I walked out that night   3. Dispatcher for a large flower company   4. Accounting Manager for a trucking company - present      Four words I would use to describe myself:   1. Juggler – I can throw it all up in the air and make it all land exactly where it should (metaphor for things in my life)   2. Stubborn, hard headed   3. Determined   4. Happy and content     Four things I say the most:   1. Are you serious?   2. When I get to 3, you go to your room!   3. No freakin way   4. I’ll get to it as soon as I can!     Four movies I would watch over and over:   1. Some kind of Wonderful   2. Rounders – love poker   3. 13 going on 30 – only because my daughter makes me   4. Say Anything     Four places I have lived:   1. First house with my family.   2. First apartment alone – greatest year of my life   3. First house with the ex – D   4.  House hubby and I built when we were married    Four tv shows I love to watch:   1. Desperate Housewives   2.  Sopranos   3. Grey’s Anatomy   4. Vegas – Danny baby!     Four places I have been:   1. Greece   2. Florida   3. Puerta Vallarta   4. Vegas baby!     Four websites I visit daily:   1. Spaces sites   2. Soap Opera Digest – to get caught up on all my favorite soaps   3. MSN  - to catch up on news and celebs(yup, I love the gossip)   4. My hotmail account     Four of my favorite foods:   1. Sushi   2. Thai food   3. A nice steak   4. Pasta - most any kind     Four places I don't like going:   1. The dentist – this should really count for 2 because I hate him that much   2. My gynecologist   3. Gas station bathrooms   4. Funerals     Four places I would rather be right now:   1. Home in bed   2. Vegas baby   3. Shopping, shopping, shopping   4. In my pool   Have a great day!

 

I need some opinions on an issue I am having with my child’s school.

This is what happened.  I went to drop Ella off at school on Friday.  I was a little early so I went inside to wait due to the rain.  When I walked in, all I saw were a bunch of older kids, probably around 7 or 8 of them goofing off in the hallway.  They were playing with the secretary’s chair, running up and down the hall and so on.  As I stood there, I realized that there couldn’t possibly be a teacher around.  A few minutes later, a young boy walked out of the grade 2 class with a bloody nose.  At that time, another mother dropping off her daughter came in.  She has another child in an older class so I asked her what was on my mind.  “Where the hell are all of the teachers?”.  She told me that when it is raining and they have to stay inside that they teachers DON’T watch them.  They send some older students down to watch the younger kids.  These were the kids I saw goofing around in the hallway.  All I could think was what the fuck.  You mean to tell me that our kids are sitting in their classrooms by themselves with NO adult supervision?  You mean to tell me that any Tom, Dick or Harry can walk through these front doors and take one of these kids and it would be at least an hour before anyone realized they were gone?  Are you kidding me?  She didn’t seem impressed but all I could think was, “how could you not have done something about this, don’t you read the paper, watch TV?”  My first thought was there is no way in hell my daughter is coming here all day next year if no one is going to be responsible for her.  I don’t leave her alone for an hour, I don’t expect anyone else too!  All I ask is that they lock the doors.  I have always thought that.  Just lock them and make people buzz in.  Is it too much to ask to ensure my child’s safety?  I am getting sick and tired of having to tell these people that they are responsible for my child while she is there.  Am I being ridiculous?  Am I just to paranoid, as I have been told?  Is it too much to ask that they keep your child safe for the time that she is there?

Next year, my daughter will be there all day and my son for half a day.  I don’t want to panic everyday that someone could do something to her or for that matter during lunch, anyone of those students could decide they want to go home and just walk out the front door without anyone knowing.  What do I do?  Do I go to a council meeting, do I start a petition, do I go straight to the school board?  Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

If I am crazy, its OK to say it.  If I am not, please let me know what you think my first step should be.

I love my husband’s family….If I keep saying it, will it be true?  I have so many issues with these people, it is unbelievable.  Shockingly, me having an affair brought us closer together and his family and their way of life drives a wedge between us everyday.  Don’t get me wrong, MOST of them are incredible people and would do anything for us and our children.  BUT….there are so many things that get under my skin about these people.

Let’s start with my inlaws.  They come across as loving and caring people, but their relationship with eachother and with their children has so much to be desired.  My father in law is about 120 lbs soaking weight, which is about half the size of either of his sons and his wife for that matter, but he is the boss of the house.  He treats my mother in law like a slave, he won’t even get his own glass of water.  Thank God that those old Italian ways have since died(at least with most men).  He complains about her cooking, which is amazing by the way.  I have tried to tell him to cook his own meals if he doesn’t like it, to which I get a half smile like he knows that will never happen.  He has on ocassion tried to tell me what to do, to which I always have a smart ass comment.  When we were building our house, he told me that he hated my tiles which are 3 different shapes and sizes and a little Spanish looking.  I hunted for these tiles for weeks and was so excited to have found them.  So, when he said this, I simply said, so, don’t come over and you’ll never have to look at them.  He hates that my house is siding and not brick (the wop way).  My house has the old Victorian style to it, wrap around porch, big rounded windows on the one side.  It would look ridiculous bricked.  He tried to tell us how to spend and save our money.  He has a girlfriend and everyone knows about it and just ignore it.  I hate the way old Italian women let their men walk all over them.  He literally supports my brother in law and his family, and this is no exaggeration.  He owns their house, their vehicles and pays all their bills and they have 5 children.  They are a blog all in themselves.  So, because of this, he says what goes in that house.  Tells them when to turn the heat/air conditioning on and off, lights and complains all the time.  They can’t argue, he owns them.  They tried to do the same for us but I refused, got a mortgage and he can’t own us.

My mother in law is a sweet, caring and giving woman.  She does love me and my children but she is very manipulative when it comes to her boys.  My hubby is her oldest, he favorite and she will tell everyone who wants to hear it, even her other children.  She hates that Tom does laundry, vacuums, washes dishes and so on.  She obviously doesn’t think it is a man’s place but guess what, my house, and as long as I have a full time job, he will help or as I have told him, he could move back in with his mommy.  He absolutely loves his mom, he will do whatever she wants, whenever.  I asked him for 2 months to hang my new picture up in the living room.  Never did it.  She calls and needs something done, he runs over and does it.  Drives me insane!!!  She always has an opinion on everything we do. She “suggests” things to Joe.  She is like Clay’s mom from sex in the city.  You know the slight touch of the hand with the suggestion and he does exactly what she wants.  When we built the house, I wanted to get that spray grass on stuff that makes it grow.  Tom was iffy about it, his mother suggests it and all of a sudden, it’s a great idea.  I was so angry.  Case in point #2 – we were having a bday party for me and we were going to order pizza for supper.  He calls me at work and says he mom thinks we shouldn’t order pizza.  I tell him to tell her not to come then because we are having pizza.  I tell her not to give my kids pop, I don’t think they ever need to taste this.  My daughter tells me she let her try it.  WHY?  Just because I said not to.  So now when she suggests things about the kids, I tell her that next time she has one, she can do whatever she likes but these 2 came out of ME.  I appreciate her help with watching them on some days but if she can’t follow the few small rules I have, I would rather send them to daycare.  I know she helps out so much but she still needs to feel in control of the whole family.  She thinks I spend too much money on clothes for the kids.  Why does Ella need new shoes, her old ones are fine.  Because – I liked them and I can afford to give them everything.  She thinks I should have another child, why you ask?  Because if something happens to one of them, at least they will still have a sibling!!!!!!!Nice, is all I could say to that.  I need to write about my brother in law and his wife but they are about 3 posts all in themselves.  I will try to get one in today because their craziness is amazing.  So, I say it again – I love my inlaws, I love my inlaws….