I know, I know – its been so long since I have posted that you guys have either lost interest in my life or just assumed one thing or another.  I have been so busy with work and school starting that I haven’t had a chance to breath, so posting has been up in the air.  I have however kept up on reading all of your sites.  So, I guess you all want to know what I did with that letter.  I do still have it, it sits here in my desk at work.  Have I called him – no.  Before you all get too proud of me, let me finish.  He somehow got a hold of my email address and he sent me an email.  It was surprising at first.  Caught me off guard but I read it and it was much of the same as the letter.  It took me a couple of days to email him back.  I tried to make him understand that we had tried to make it work, not only as teenagers but as adults a few years back and it just wasn’t in the cards for us.  I tried to make him see that I made my choice, that I have a family that I am commited to and that I plan to keep that family together.  I told him that yes I do think of him, at times wonder what he is doing and how he is and of course I remember our passion filled nights.  I also told him that I remembered our fight filled days, the nights of wondering where he was with, who he was with.  I don’t have any of that with Tom. I know that he loves me and would never ever cheat on me, would never betray me or our family.

I asked him to please stop talking about us together because it was not going to happen but if he wanted to continue to email me occasionally about the weather or our respective families, that would be fine.  It was a hard email to send but it would have been harder to say those things to his face.  He would have been able to read on my face that I wanted him still.  Technology is a wonderful way to hide your true self, your true feelings.  It took him a week to email me back.  He told me that he understood everything that I was saying but what about living our lives for us and not for our families.  Did I really want my children to see a marriage of convenience or did I want to show them how 2 people truly mesh together.  He asked which kind of relationship I would want for Ella or for Owen.  He told me that he is a mature adult now, all that other crap is behind him.  He knows that he loves and wants only me and that letting me walk away without a fight was the biggest mistake of his life.  If this letter had come from anyone else, I would have believed all his promises of fidelity, loyalty, honesty and a lifetime of love, but I know this man, I know him inside out and that little girl in me, who’s heart he broke so easily, tells me that she’s heard it and lived it all before.

            After a few more emails, I did tell him that if all he was going to do was torment me, then to please stop emailing me or I would simply change it.  He promised to stop and continue to simply discuss other things. 

            So now, we are joking around and simply communicating.  I have learned so much about his life now, his daughter.  And yes, we do flirt a little bit but for the most part it is innocent.  I did tell him about my site – was that wrong?  He has been reading it and only commenting to me personally about what each post has meant to him, what he hates about it and what it has taught him about me, himself and our relationship through the years.  He laughs at what people say about it, yet I know it bothers him to read strangers calling him evil and stuff.  He is the only person in my real life that I have let into this part of my life and I did it because it is all about him and rather than tell him what our relationship did to me, I let him read about it, word for word.  I let him read how he destroyed me, loved me, broke me and put me back together.  I let him read about our wild sex nights that I wrote about and he was quite flattered that I was so explicit about it.  I also let him read about my family and the love I have for them hoping in some way, he could understand why I make the choices I do.  I keep trying to tell him and myself that I am chosing not to see him anymore, just emails.  I am chosing to put all those memories behind me and not let the touch of his hand effect me anymore.

Do I love him, of course I do, I will always love that man with every ounce of who I am.  Will I ever trust that man?  No, not the way you need to trust someone to live your life with them.  Will I ever see him again, will I ever touch him again, will I allow his magic to work over me again….Too many questions for one post.

I promise to try to update more often and keep you all up to date on everything.