I saw him!  I ran splat into D on the weekend!  For those of you who don’t know who D is, please refer to all of my previous blogs to read up on who this man is to me.  Let me back up here, as I have mentioned before, my sister is going through a separation heading towards divorce.  She has 2 sons who both play soccer and football and it seems that their practices fall on the same night at the same time at 2 different parks, one of which is right where Ella has her soccer practise – have a mentioned that she is an amazing soccer player, fastest and best player on the team and I am not just saying that – all the other parents say it too.  I guess taking her running with me since she was 4 helped with her ability to keep on going through the whole game while the other kids had to keep stopping. She is lightning fast and has a powerful kick on her for such a little girl – you don’t even see her coming.  I told her to keep it up and someday it could get her places, we have a friend of the family – a girl who just got a full scholarship to the university of Alabama for soccer.  So one never knows.  Anyway – enough bragging – back to my story.  So since her son’s practise was at the same place as my daughters, I say that I will take him and keep an eye on him while I am there with Ella.  So last night, I take Ella, Owen and my nephew Aiden to the park.  I hand Ella off to one of the mother’s I know on her team so I can run Aiden over to his practice.  As I get there, I realize I have never realize that I have never watched Aiden play football, so I decide to run over and ask the other mother to watch Ella for me so I can watch my nephew play football.  She agrees and I go running back to the football practice.  As I a running back, Ella yells, I love you mom.”  I turn my head to yell back at her while I continue to run forward and just like out of a freakin movie, I run straight into someone.  He grabs my arms to help me not to fall and I look up to say sorry and there he is, standing right in front of me, looking better than I remember is none other than D.  For the love of God, why me!  I apologize for not looking where I was going and try to walk away and he stops me.  “ not even hello, how are you?  Didn’t I used to live with you?”  I apologize again and ask how he is and what he is doing there.  He says that his girlfriends son plays football on that team.  Are you freaking kidding me.  Of all the football teams, he has to be on this one.  I tell him that I am there for Aiden and Ella.  I point out Aiden because he has met him years ago and we go on to talk about how fast time flies, blah blah blah.  Then he tells me that I look great, time has been good to me.  I say that happiness has been good to me.  I ask if he is still with that witch but I did use her name.  He says that they have been still trying to work it out after all this time. Off, on off, on – same shit different day, typical D stuff.  I make a comment like, you will never change, always drama, always something.  Never just, things are good, nothing exciting.  He says that some things will never change, he still thinks about me and what could have been. I tell him not to go there, I told him that I would not allow him to suck me into a conversation about the past.  He says that he would like to say hello to Ella and I tell him that I don’t think it is a good idea.  He asks if he can just take a look at how she has grown.  I say its OK and I point out which girl she is.  I can honestly say that I saw in his eyes that he was happy, but a little sad to see how big she has gotten.  He said that she was as beautiful as me and that he think about her all the time.  He also said that he wondered if he bumped into her, if she would remember her.  I assured him that I didn’t think she would remember him.  I know that he loved her but she didn’t belong to him and either did I.  I told him that I had to go and I went back to Ella’s game instead of staying there.  When the practices were over, I tried to call Aiden over to us but Ella started running over to him.  I ran after her to try to keep her away from D.  We were standing right next to him while Aiden was getting his stuff.

D came up behind me and put his hand just on my waist and asked if I would call him. My stomach was full of those damn butterflies from his hand on me but I  answered - NO, I answered, I am not going there with you.  He asked if I would be back next week, and I told him not if he intended to hassle me.  He promised he wouldn’t, that he would just look forward to seeing my face once a week and that would be enough.  I gathered up the kids and said goodbye and he said bye beautiful and he said, bye bye Ella girl, that’s what he always called her and she politely said goodbye.  I know she doesn’t remember him.  She asked me in the car, who was that man, mom.  I told her it was an old friend of mommy’s.  She accepted the answer.  I didn’t tell Tom about our meeting.  I know, I should have but it is too hard.  I cannot stop thinking about him, the way he looked,  the way he smelled, the way his hand felt on my waist and the memory of what he used to feel like when we kissed.  I have to put it out of my mind.  But now I have a problem, do I tell my sister I can’t take Aiden anymore?  Do I offer to take her other son, while she takes Ella and Aiden but then I would miss my daughter playing and what do I do if I continue to go watch and he keep it up?  What if Tom comes one time and sees him, he will know I have been keeping it from him, he will think that we are meeting on purpose?

I don’t really have anything  exciting to write about other than my evil aunt at the moment so I am stealing the list idea from Jen and Cori.  I won’t give it a number yet, since I don’t know what number I will get to before I bore myself.

1. I am 34 years young
2. I have convinced my daughter that I am 29 so that’s what she tells people
3. On my birthday, she asked me if I was 30 now, I told her I was still 29
4. I have the million dollar family – a boy and a girl
5. I would have been happy with anything, I just wanted 2 kids
6. sometimes, I wish I could give Ella a sister because she will never know that bond
7. I have a sister and a brother, we are all very very close
8. I have never told my parents or my siblings that I love them
9. but they know
10. we were never brought up saying it, so its hard to say it
11. I tell my husband and my kids I love them all the time
12. I won’t bring them up that way
13. they tell eachother that they love eachother
14. when they aren’t trying to kill eachother
15. I hope ella grows up to be a strong, independent, responsible woman
16. yet I hope she finds true love – her soul mate
17. who isn’t an ass
18. I hope Owen grows up to be a strong, independent, responsible, caring man
19. yet, I hope he finds a woman who completes him
20. I found my soul mate
21. I was way to young
22. he was way to immature to realize what we had
23. I moved on and married my husband
24. I had an affair with my soul mate
25. I left my husband for him
26. then I realized that soul mate or not, he was still not mature enough to realize what we had
27. I went back to my husband
28. I have never regretted that decision
29. but at times, I miss the butterflies that D would give me when we touched
30. but not enough to lose my family for
31. I know what I did was wrong
32. but you cannot judge me until you have been there
33. I work full time
34. not because I have to but because I want to
35. I feel guilty about that at times
36. and at times, I crave to be at work rather than at home
37. some would say that makes me a bad mom
38. I think it makes me a better one because I make the most out of the time we have
39. my kids play soccer, swim lessons and ella dances and does gymnastics
40. we leave the house everynight by 5:45 pm
41. I try not to give them junk food too much
42. its not that I worry about them getting fat
43. we just don’t have that gene in our family
44. I just read too much about how many fruits, vegetables and protein they need
45. I am anal about their health
46. I do still take them to mcdonalds occasionally
47. but some people I know go at least twice a week
48. I workout at least 4 times a week
49. I actually like my body
50. my boobs are too small though
51. and I wish I had abs, real abs  - not just a flat tummy
52. I wish I had shapelier legs
53. guess I don’t like it as much as I thought
54. I try to be involved in my daughter’s school as much as possible
55. the principal hates me
56. we’ve had one too many confrontations about their rules
57. I speak my mind
58. I never ever back down
59. I will always have the last word
60. I am a good public speaker
61. I am teaching my daughter to be one too
62. I want her to be all the things I wasn’t
63. I fear for their safety every day
64. I find escape routes for every situation
65. like fires, buglars, falling off a bridge
66. hubby thinks I am crazy
67. I think I am prepared
68. I am terrified of outliving my children
69. I am also afraid of drowning
70. yet I love to swim
71. I shop way to much
72. and spend way too much money
73. but that’s why I work
74. we take 2 vacations a year
75. one with the kids
76. one without
77. I enjoy them both
78. I love reading everyone’s blogs
79. I also love writing my own and reading comments
80. my husband tells me I have a big mouth
81. I say that I stand up for myself
82. I teach my daughter that trait as well
83. I fear someday my kids will learn about my affair
84. and hate me for it
85. what would I tell them
86. how would I explain what I did and why
87. will they think I didn’t love my husband
88. I do love him
89. I am safe comfortable and totally loved
90. sometimes I long for the passion
91. what I read about in cori and keith’s spaces
92. that can’t live without you kind of love
93. that’s how my husband loves me
94. I try to reciprocate
95. the first time I went to Disney was my daughter’s first time too
96. we take them every year
97. the happiness they feel is worth what it costs us
98. I have 3 very close friends
99. one of them, I have known since I was a baby
100. our mothers were friends
101. one I have known since 7^th grade
102. and one since I was about 20
103. I don’t know what the hell is going on with these indents
104. but I can’t fix it
105. I am a loyal friend
106. and I have loyal friends
107. I would lay down my life for my kids
108. my oldest friend is my daughters dance teach
109. she always gets to dance in the Front
110. and gets special treatment
111. my sister’s marriage is falling apart
112. because he cheated
113. I don’t know how to console her
114. because I know when she looks at me
115. she sees her husband and what we have both done
116. I really do enjoy having sex
117. I think I am attractive
118. but not in a conceited kind of way
119. I try to be  a good person in general
120. I try to make up my affair to my husband all the time
121. sometimes I think he thinks I will do it again, given the chance
122. I wouldn’t
123. I don’t think…..
124. I have seen my ex again on occasion
125. walked the other way each time
126. he never followed
127. what would I do if he did?
128. I try not to think about it.
129. I have to stop this list
130. to many thoughts running through my head
131. plus I have to go to my daughters SK graduation in an hour
132. I can’t believe she will be in grade 1 next year
133. and Owen will start JK
134. I am old
135. they grew too fast
136. they were just babies yesterday
137. I miss the baby stage
138. but I don’t miss the diapers, crying, midnight feedings, teeth, etc…
139. I try to remember everything about them
140. I write letters to them every year on their birthday
141. they don’t know
142. I will give them to them when they are older
143. maybe on their way to college
144. or on their wedding day
145. haven’t decided
146. have lots of time to decide
147. maybe I don’t
148. weren’t they just babies
149. but think how cheap daycare will be in September

Here’s the thing.  I have a cousin whom I have never trusted or liked for that matter.  He was a pain in the ass as a kid and now he is just a slimeball.  He is a cheating, lying, full of himself prick.  This story will start with me telling you that he stole $3000 from my brother – I won’t get into details of how but I will say that my cousin worked at a bank and my brother was buying his second house and went to him to assist with the mortage, appraisal, and so on.  My brother is a police officer so he really isn’t someone you should rip off but this cousin  did.  When my brother found out, he confronted him and of course there was denial but within 24 hours, my brother had a cheque for $3000.  First of all, if someone accused me of that, I would do everything in my power to prove I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t send a cheque.  So my brother told us the story and he left it at that.  Somehow my cousin got fired and his mother who is the pure evil blamed my brother for this.  Anyway, I will get to the point – I told the story to another one of our cousins and it got back to my aunt that I did this.  She called me up and called me every name in the book.  Let me point out that she thinks her son is God and can do no wrong.  She would never hold him accountable for his mistakes and make him deal with the consequences, she would rather cover it up, lie, cheat, whatever it took – great way to raise a kid to be a responsible adult – right!  Any way she proceeded to tell me that some day I will get whats coming to me.  Nice thing to say to your niece.  She even went so far as to say that my brother talking about her son and my sister in law having a miscarriage is karma.  I lost it on her for saying that.  I told her that she is no longer family, I told her she was not allowed to talk to or even look at me or my children – she doesn’t know us anymore as far as I am concerned.  She couldn’t believe I said that.  I told her that my job as a mother is to ensure I keep only loving people in my children’s life and that she no longer fits into that category by wishing us all harm.  Enough about the fight, my point is, do you believe in curses.  I will explain why – ever since she told me that I will get whats coming to me – things have been happening – little things like my car breaking down, getting a leak in our pool, the kids have both hurt themselves lately.  I know it all probably coincidence but what if it isn’t?  Should I be expecting the big thing to happen?  I have to see her on Sunday and I am afraid she will keep cursing me.  Am I being crazy and paranoid or am I cursed?