I guess I haven’t updated much lately but I have been very busy and very frustrated and very confused, etc.  Most of you have been over to D’s page by now and some of you can sympathize with how hard this really is for me.  They are both wonderful men with their own qualities that I love.  I know that I am not the first person to leave her marriage for another man, I am not the first woman to break up a home but I think our situation is a little different.  See, I left Tom once for this man, and he came back to me.  I think it will kill him to know that I left him again for the same man, the man that has been haunting our marriage, our relationship from day one.

The next part of my story will probably get some people up in arms and get me some bad comments, but I am writing it, its part of my story and it happened.

D and I have been emailing eachother for a little while now and he constantly asks me to meet up with him for a drink, dinner, whatever.  I have been saying no every time but a couple of days ago, Tom was away on business, the kids were at my moms, so I thought, well, lets see where it goes.

I didn’t want to meet anywhere public because knowing my luck, some friend or cousin would walk in and busted, I didn’t want him coming to our home so I went to his house.

I’ve always known where he lived and even driven by a couple of times just to see if I could catch of glimpse of him outside but now I was a guest in his home.

I felt very weird at first, almost like a stranger.  I guess its been so long since we had been together that we have basically become strangers.  We sat in the backyard since it was still so nice out at night with a bottle of wine and talked.  We talked for what seemed like hours and drank the bottle of wine.  Instead of opening another one, we made a pot of coffee because I didn’t need anymore wine.  It started to get cold and his hot tub looked so appealing but I didn’t bring anything.  Half jokingly he said, I didn’t need clothes, it was just the two of us and he’d seen me naked before.  I laughed it off and he got me a jacket.  We went over all the reasons why we should and shouldn’t be together.  Of course the most important reason not to be together was the effect it would have on our kids.  My children love and adore their father, he is a presence in their life, not just a father, but a dad.  He gets down and plays trucks with owen and then dresses barbies with Ella.  He is that guy.  The thought of them not seeing eachother everyday breaks my heart.  D said he would never try to get between that but that he would love them like they were his own as he knows I would love his daughter and maybe we could have one of our own – that blew me away – I am done giving birth.  He was getting way ahead of himself.  I stood up to get some heat from the hot tub and he came up behind me and rubbed my arms to heat me up.  The second his hand touched me, I felt it – that undeniable connection, the need to touch him, the need to be with him.  I know he knew I felt it because he put his hands around my waist and pulled my closer, whispering in my ear, “ I love you, always have, always will, I am not that teenage boy anymore, I would never hurt you again, we belong together and only you can make it happen.”  I couldn’t stop him as he slipped his hand under my shirt and rubbed my stomach, telling me to stop him if I wanted him to stop.  He started kissing my neck as his hands moved up inside my shirt.  I couldn’t take it much longer, I spun around and looked into his eyes.  These eyes that I have loved since I was a teenager, these eyes that I still loved, I looked into the eyes of my soulmate and I had to kiss him, so I did!  As we stood there kissing, I can honestly say that nothing went through my head other than him.  I know that makes me sound like a terrible person but at that moment in time, I lived for that moment alone not knowing if it would be our last.  He pulled off my shirt and I pulled off his.  When we were finally standing there stark naked, he just looked at me like he always done when I am naked.  I knew he loved me, every flaw and imperfection that I think I have, he doesn’t see them when he looks at me like that.  We ended up in that hot tub after all.  It was an amazing experience and I wasn’t ready for it to end and for reality to set back in.  I knew the kids were sleeping at my mom’s so I made the phone call – the first lie to Tom in so long.  I called from my cel phone telling him that I didn’t want him to worry if he tried to call the house.  The kids were at my mom’s and me and some of the girls from work would be going to the casino for a few hours and he knows how bad phone reception is there.

He didn’t even think twice when he said, he was glad I called but he wasn’t worried and told me to go have fun, he was going to bed, he loved me – don’t spend too much money and if I win big to make sure I pick him up on my way to Hawaii.  I told him I loved him and said goodnight.

            I spent that night with D in his house, in his bed, in his arms.  Of course, we had amazing, mind blowing sex, we always did but I realized something that night.  I love him, always have, always will.  He is my Big, my lobster, my McDreamy, my McSteamy all rolled into one.  He is the one I am supposed to be with, the one I am supposed to love and not just for a night here and a night there, but for always.   I don’t know where I go from here but I know that I cannot deny my love for him anymore.