I cried all the way home that night and if felt like every song on the radio was about D and I.  It was like the DJ was trying to drive a knife into my heart.  I couldn’t believe what I had done, I couldn’t believe the turns my life had taken the past couple of years.  I knew that I left a part of me back there with D.  He would always be able to affect me, to reach parts of my soul that no one else could, but at the same time, he is the one person who could and has caused me an unbelievable amount of pain. I drove around for a while, I wasn’t prepared to go home to Tom yet.  My mind went over all of the memories I had made with D, the good, the bad and the ugly.  With him, the good were amazingly good but the bad and the ugly were some of the worst memories I owned. I guess I was trying to come to terms with what I had done.  His last words ran through my mind over and over, we are connected and I chose to walk away.  He said those things knowing that I would always remember them and wonder what if, what could have been.  I guess we all have those but I know to some degree what would have been.  I would have lived a life of insecurity, that he would get bored of me and move on.  I would never feel safe in our love and that is no way to live.  I finally talked myself down enough to go home.  Tom could tell  my face that I had so obviously been crying.  He asked if I was OK, if D had hurt me. I answered him, “No, not physically but his words will forever haunt me.”

I told him every detail, just as he had asked, even the parts that I knew he wouldn’t appreciate.  He did ask me, even after I told him how far I had let it go, if we had made love.  I assured him that I have been completely and totally honest with him even going so far as to say that my body did want him at that moment.

Then Tom asked me the question that probably still haunts him to this day and probably always will.  “ How do I know you won’t bump into him again someday and fall under that spell again?” I really didn’t have an answer, other than to say that I am past all that, I always wondered what if, and now I did explore that option and I decided it wasn’t for me.  I did promise to tell him no matter what that I would be honest with him about any time I did bump into him, no matter what and we would deal with it one episode at a time.  He seemed a little satisfied but I could see in his eyes that a part of him would always wonder and worry.  I tried to tell him that I was here 100%, body, soul, mind and heart.  Our marriage and our family were my first and only priority. He pulled me onto his lap and told me how much he loved me and swore to do everything to make sure I was the happiest woman in the world. I told him that I loved him and that at this moment, I was the happiest woman in the world.  We made love on the couch and I really was the happiest woman.  About a month later, we received an unexpected but incredible gift.  We found out that we were pregnant again.  When I told Tom, ecstatic doesn’t come close to what he expressed but suddenly he became quiet.  I asked him what was wrong and he asked me stating that I was too be completely honest with him.  “Is there anyway that this baby could be D’s.”  I told him that I had been honest about our meeting that day and its been months since D and I made love so there was no way. I saw relief in his eyes but I still saw a glimmer of doubt.  It was at that moment, I realized the consequences of what I had done to this man.  I was causing him to hold back his excitement of being a father again because of doubt that it could belong to another man.  Our marriage needed some real work.  I knew that this baby belonged to Tom but no amount of words would make him totally confident in it.  It was going to be a long 9 months.

Just so you all know, my family will be going on vacation Saturday for 1 week to disneyworld in florida so there will be no posts next week.  I can’t wait for our much needed vacation – not that I believe Disney is any way a holiday, it is more work than being home but the happiness that comes across the kids faces is what makes it all worthwhile.  Have a good week – talk to you soon.

By the time we got home that night, I could hardly wait to be with him.  We were like teenagers, making out all the way to the front door and as soon as we were inside, we were ripping off our clothes. It was a scene out of a movie, clothes spread out between the front door and the bedroom. His body was even more buff than it used to be and I think I honestly felt a little shy being naked in front of him like he had never seen me before.  He stood and stared at me for a moment and told me I was even more beautiful than I remembered. We made love that night like it was our first time together and it was amazing.  As I fell asleep in his arms that night, I wondered what this all meant.  Are we back together, was this just in the heat of the moment sex?  Who knows but something was changing.  When I got up the next morning, Tom was still sleeping so I jumped in the shower, still wondering what was next.  All of a sudden, the shower door opened and in came Tom.  I was shocked, this was not something Tom ever did.  He told me that he wasn’t done with me in that fake evil voice.  I chuckled at him and we continued our love making in shower.  I must admit I liked this part of Tom – adventurous and naughty. 

We made breakfast in our underwear and talked like we had never spent a day apart.

I asked him, “now what.”  He told me it could be whatever I wanted.  He loved me and he was willing to try again if I was but he wouldn’t push because he wanted me to want him the way I did last night, every night. I told him we would start “dating” but if it was OK, still keep our respective homes.  I wasn’t ready to just be married to him again. He said he understood but I could tell he was  a little hurt.  I assured him that it had nothing at all to do with anyone else or that I didn’t love him. I just wanted this time to be for always and forever if we did this so I needed us both to be absolutely sure this was what we wanted and needed and  not out of lonliness or habit.  He seemed to be a little more at ease with that.  He got dressed and said that it was time to pick up our “ella bella” as he called her.  We spent the rest of the weekend as a family and it felt so good, but on Sunday night, he went home and left us alone.  Ella asked me where daddy went. I told her, he went home to sleep and would see her soon.  She looked puzzled.  I wanted to tell her that he would be home soon for good but I needed to be sure before I told her.

I needed to see D and tell him what was going on in my life and that if I did this, there was no room for him in our lives ever again.  Could I say those words to this man that I had loved so deeply?  Could I finally close that chapter of my life for good?  I had to see him and feel whatever I was going to feel.  I did tell Tom that I was going to meet him and needless to say he wasn’t happy but he understood I needed closure this time.  If  I didn’t get it, who knows what the future would hold, so he gave me his blessing with the promise that I would tell him exactly what we did and said while we were together. I promised and I left to meet D one last time…..

To ‘the way I see it”.  I know that I have made my mistakes and I probably should never have been given a second chance. I am thankful everyday for that chance.  At least I can say that I am a human being who can understand love and all the things that come along with it.  There are no fairytale lives and all I am willing to say to you is “how’s it going in that glass house of your.”  Let us in to judge your life.  I know that when we put our lives online, we leave ourselves open to not only friendships, like many of us have found but also to fucktards (thanks for the word – Darlene) like you.  I am willing to take your comments if you let us see a day in your life. 

I must admit that even though I was enjoying my single life and all the freedom that came with it, I was getting lonely.  I was very used to having a man in my life.  Despite the fact that I was lonely I was determined for one time in my life, not to let love command me.  I was determined to be responsible for my own happiness.  Tom was spending a little more time with us since we had both ended our respective relationships, but there was no physical contact and there was no talk of the future.  It was just us having fun with our daughter and she soaked up every minute of it.  D did call a few times claiming that he needed me, wanted me and couldn’t live without me.  I did miss him.  That part of me that belonged to him was aching for him but I shut that door and I was not going back.  I loved him dearly and I know that I always will ache for him, but I did what was best for everyone and I stand by my decision, even to this day.  As that Christmas was fast approaching, Tom told me that he had 2 things to ask of me.  I was quite intrigued because at this point – who knew.  He asked me one – if I would accompany him to his work Christmas party.  He didn’t want to go alone since that other woman would be there and she wasn’t dealing with the whole break up very well.  I asked if he really thought showing up with ME wouldn’t be adding fuel to her fire.  I did not want a scene at the place he had to go to everyday.  I didn’t want to embarrass him if she decided she would make a scene.  He promised that this is what he wanted.  He needed to show her that there was no chance between them and even if we weren’t together, she didn’t need to know that.  I agreed to number one.  Number 2 – he asked if he could sleep over Christmas eve to wake up Christmas morning with Ella.  He missed that last year.  I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea either but he promised to sleep in the other room and be a good boy.  What I didn’t tell him was that I wasn’t sure if I trusted myself with him so close. I didn’t want to take that step out of lonlieness or just because there was a warm body in the house.  He did talk me into agreeing to number 2 as well.  He told me he’d pick me up by 7 on Saturday night and he told me it was formal.  Great, I need a new dress for this.  I bought a strapless black dress that hit me just above the knee.  It was sexy, I still wear it on occasion because it is just one of those little black dresses that can be dressed up or down depending on the accessories.  My friend (who is also my hairdresser) came over and made my hair look great.  It was done in the big wavy curls that just fell across my shoulder. She pinned a few pieces up to give it that little extra appeal.  I wore the diamond pendant that Tom had given me just after we were married and my diamond studs.  I also decided that since I was going with him and I was after all, still his wife, I would wear my wedding and engagement bands.  I missed wearing them, I missed belonging to someone.  As I was putting on my sexy black strappy heels that Tom picked out, he knocked at the door.  A dab of lipgloss and I was ready.  I don’t usually think I look all that great but I must admit, between my hair and that dress, I was smokin’ that night and from the look on Tom’s face when I opened the door, I knew he saw it too.  His face looked like he was falling in love with me all over again right there at my front door.

“You have never looked so incredible, you look perfect.  How did I ever let you get away?”  Now remember, we had started joking about our breakup a little, so I said, “ I ran away, remember, I’m too hot for just one guy.”  He smiled slightly but couldn’t stop looking at me.  The look in his eyes gave me my butterflies again.

When we got to the party, we made small talk with some of his associated from work that of course I hadn’t seen in a while.  I did notice that a few wives were looking, pointing and of course talking about “Tom’s wife” that had cheated on him.  I could it in my head.

“He’s too good for her, she’s such a slut.  I heard she loved her boyfriend in as Tom was moving out.. and so on and so on.”  I knew people would talk but I didn’t care, Tom wanted me there, so there I was.  A couple of the cooler wives told me not to pay those wives any attention, they were old fashioned and didn’t understand that shit happens.  They made me feel much more at ease.  About 20 minutes later, the woman – I can’t remember what I called her in my past posts so I will call her Anna for today.  Well, she walked in and of course she was alone and probably hoping Tom was alone as well.  She definelty looked like she spent some time getting dolled up (I was still hotter – LOL).

Her eyes scanned the room until she saw Tom who of course was not standing near me at that time. I watched her walk towards him and, honestly, it pissed me off. So, the bitch in me took over.  I walked over to him while he was talking to her and put my arm around his arm, looked at her and said, “hello Anna, happy holidays.”  She looked literally dumbstruck.  She couldn’t believe he had brought me there knowing she would be there.  She called him an asshole and told us that we probably deserved eachother and made her way to the bar.  A part of me wanted to go after her, and Tom knew it.  He, on the other hand is a much calmer man, so he stopped me and told me again how incredible I looked and how lucky he felt to be there with me.  He asked me to dance and as we held eachother on the dance floor, I could feel so many things stirring inside of me.  I wanted him to kiss me so badly.  He was gently carrassing the small of my back and the touch of his hand was sending chills.  I was only half aware of the fact that we were being watched but I didn’t care, to me we were alone.  He pulled back, looked at me and said, “there is something I have been dying to do all night.”  With those words, his lips finally touched mine.  It was one of the most passionate and heart felt kisses I have ever experienced. Of course, the kiss didn’t last as long as I would have wanted since we were at his “work” Christmas party.  He started to apologize and I stopped him.  I told him that I had wanted the same thing all night but was too afraid to be the one to do it.  I excused myself to go to the restroom, I needed to calm myself down.  Of course as I was fixing my makeup, Anna walked in.  She stood there looking at me.  “what are you staring at?”

She quickly stated that she wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  She wanted to see what was so special about “me” that made one man come back for me from high school and another be willing to forgive my cheating.  I told her that none of it was any concern of hers.  She said that I must be some animal in bed because I wasn’t that special and I was a bitch to boot.  I tried to walk away because I had promised myself that I would not embarrass Tom here.  She stood in my way. I asked her to move and when she wouldn’t, I laid into her. “You know, I always knew you were panting for my husband, from the day I met you. I watched how you looked at him.  You probably couldn’t wait to help him heal his broken heart, telling him how sorry you were, while all the while planning your attack.  You had your chance and he still doesn’t want you.  He would rather be alone than be with you.  We aren’t back together yet but he begged me to come here to make sure you left him alone.  Isn’t that terrible, he was so afraid of you coming near him, he had to beg someone to come with him. I could tell I was hurting her feelings but I didn’t care, I tried to avoid this.  Now get out of my way so I can get back to my husband.  I must thank you though, you see we were taking it very slowly, but coming here seems to be pushing us along.  I think when we get home, I’ll remind him of that animal you say I can be in bed.  That should put the final nail in your relationship.

I shoved her out of my way and made my way back to Tom.  I told him some of what had happened in the washroom and he assured me that it wasn’t my fault.  It just amazed me that this man loved me so much, nothing I did was bad enough to push him away.  As he finished talking to all his fellow co-workers, I watched him and I watched how they all listened to him.  He really was intoxicating.  I had to take him home with me that night.  I had to be with him.  I asked him if we could leave and he agreed. On our way out, she stopped him and told him that if he went home with me, then she would never be there for him again.  He didn’t say anything to her, so I did.  I told her that we wouldn’t want it any other way.  I took his hand and led him out.  When we got to the car, we were giggling and he was leading me by the small of my back, like any gentleman would.  I turned to face him and told him that there was something I was dying to do all night.  I kissed him again and this time, we kissed for what seemed forever.  Neither of us wanted to pull away.  He lifed me onto the hood of the car and slid his hand up my dress.  All of a sudden he stopped himself, looked at me and asked me if this was what I really wanted.  I assured him that I have been dreaming of making love to him since that night we first kissed again.  He told me to get in the car because he was taking me home and to be ready for the best night of our lives. I couldn’t wait until we got home, I bent over in the  car and pleased him with my mouth while he slid his hand between my legs. I told him that was to get the first one out of the way so that when we got home, we were good to go again.  We laughed and talked and kissed all the way home. I finally wanted Tom, like I had never wanted him again.

Of course I spent the next two hours, pacing, cleaning up a bit, drinking half a bottle of wine and of course fixing myself up just enough that it didn’t look like I fixed myself up.  Just the right amount of lip gloss, hair thrown carefully up in a ponytail so it looked like I didn’t do it so carefully. Of course I couldn’t be all dressed up but I still wanted to remind him of how sexy I was.  I don’t know why I did all of this, he had moved on and if he was planning to marry someone else, then standing there naked would have had no effect.  So I threw on my comfy shorts and tank top, sexy but simple.  He was used to seeing me dressed that way and I know he always liked it.  Ten minutes before he was supposed to be there, there was a knock at the door.  Of course, Tom is always early.  I loved that about him.  We made our way to the couch and I poured us a glass of wine and turned the stereo on quietly.  I sat down next to him and we were very comfortable there, turned into eachother, making small talk and still finding ways to casually touch eachother.  When he fell silent, I asked him, I was dying of anticipation.  So, why the big talk, what did you need to tell me and do I really want to know?  He told me right away that it was not what I thought, he also said that he knew how my brain worked and recounted my irrational thoughts, my pacing and my trying to talk my self  down.  Of course, you know me like a book, we were married.  He looked at me and said, “I know the small insignificant things, but obviously I didn’t know how to keep you happy.”  I tried to look away, so he asked me what happened with D.  “Did he break your heart again?”  No, I answered, I asked him to leave.  I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was going to be.  I tried to be careful of how much I said to Tom, I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary pain to this man.  I just told him that I didn’t think the relationship I had with D was enough to last the long haul and I didn’t think that was the type of relationship I wanted Ella to learn from.  He actually told me that he was proud of me.  He was proud that I had thought of Ella first.  I smiled and he touched my cheek.  I miss that smile everyday.  I pulled away and asked again about his news.  He told me that yes, some of my thoughts were right, she wanted to take it to the next level, she wanted to get married.  He was very honest with me when he said that he considered marrying her and starting a new life.  He went on to say that she is really good to Ella and that she wants to have children of her own as well but he also told me that she doesn’t have anything nice to say about me and that he was afraid someday Ella would hear something and he didn’t want that. As he sat there talking, I felt my heart dropping into my stomach because I honestly had no idea how this conversation would end.  He told me that he didn’t think he was totally over me, that he wasn’t in love with her.  I must admit that I was starting to feel relieved by his words.  He finally said that he broke up with her and that she hadn’t taken it very well but he did it for everyone concerned.  He wasn’t ready to marry her and he didn’t want her wasting her life waiting for him to get over me.  I suddenly began to panic because I thought this was him saying he wanted to come home but before I could stick my foot in my mouth, he went on.  He said that he thought he needed to be alone for a while, work through his feelings for me, the good ones as well as the angry ones.  I told him that I thought it was the best thing.  It was really working for me, I loved figuring out who I was and I also loved all the attention I could give to Ella.  She was my whole world and I know he felt the same.  He said that he needed to go but that he wanted to take some time and think about him, think about us giving it another shot. Not right now, but someday when we were both ready.  He told me that he loved me, he had never stopped.

“How can you ever trust me again?”  I know what its like to think you can trust someone who has betrayed you but sometimes you just can’t go back.  He took my face in his hands and said, “but sometimes you can.”  With that he kissed me and I don’t know if it was his words or that I hadn’t been kissed in a while or if it really was him, but at that moment in time, I felt a butterfly race through my stomach.  If he wouldn’t have pulled away right then, I would have been his that night and I think he knew it but he did pull away.  He said he wasn’t ready to go there with me and he didn’t think I was either. “I don’t want to be your rebound again, and I don’t want to make love to you out of loneliness, all I want is for you to think about it, about us and about our family.  With that, he was gone..  I will tell you that when I went to bed that night, I dreamt of making love to Tom – not D for the first time since D had left, he was not my dream.