A working mother's thoughts

I guess I haven’t really written lately and I know you have all been wondering what has been going on.  I haven’t written for a couple of reasons.  First because I don’t feel like being judged for the life I am leading right now.  I have been lying to my husband about my love for another man and I have been cheating on him.  I have become that person that meets her lover in the afternoon for a quickie, sneaks out at night with tales of shopping and pedicures to steal a few extra minutes with her lover.  I am ashamed of myself but I can’t seem to help myself.  I have come to the conclusion that I am leaving my husband and following my heart.  It has always been with D and it has always led me back to him.  I cannot deny what we have and I know that it will never go away.  The other decision I have made is that I will not ruin this Christmas for him or for my children.  They will wake up one last Christmas morning to both of their parents before we start a bitter fight about where they will be next year.  I am not looking forward to starting this process but I have given this a lot of thought and I know that I love D for all the right reasons. It is not just the sex.  It is everything he does for me, it is the way he looks at me, the promises he makes for our future.  It is the years that we have spent apart that leave a hole in my heart but I know that without those years apart  - I would not have my dear children that I love as much as any other mother loves her children.  For those of you that have said that I should stay with Tom for their sake, I think that is so unfair to put on my shoulders.  I would sacrifice my life for my children but I do not believe that this decision should be about that and that alone.  I know that D is a kind and caring man and I see how much he loves his daughter.  I believe that he will love and care for my children as his own and they will always have their father.  I would never not allow Tom to see them whenever he sees fit.  My children will not be the first to come from a home of divorced parents.  I think the kids that are harmed from broken homes are those that come from abusive homes or ones where one parent leaves and never comes back.  Our home will hopefully break up in a civilized way to where we will always be loving and caring parents to both of our children.  I believe that as long as we work together, we can make this transition as easy for them as possible.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not walk around with rose coloured glasses.  I know there will be harsh words, I know there will be anger, pain, tears and hateful exchanges but I also know that none of this will take place in front of our children. To them, we must always create a united front so that they are assured we love them and will always be there for them.

For those of you that were pulling for Tom, I apologize but I have to follow my heart and do what is right for me.  Yes, Tom is an amazing man, caring, loving, honest, sexy and all the things that a woman wants in a man. The only problem is I found him too late, my heart was already in someone else’s possession and I think he always knew that. So just think, now that amazing man has a chance to find a woman who will give him their unconditional love.  Thank you all for your comments and I am sure this post will generate some on both sides of the fence.  I will try to update more often.

I know, I know – its been so long since I have posted that you guys have either lost interest in my life or just assumed one thing or another.  I have been so busy with work and school starting that I haven’t had a chance to breath, so posting has been up in the air.  I have however kept up on reading all of your sites.  So, I guess you all want to know what I did with that letter.  I do still have it, it sits here in my desk at work.  Have I called him – no.  Before you all get too proud of me, let me finish.  He somehow got a hold of my email address and he sent me an email.  It was surprising at first.  Caught me off guard but I read it and it was much of the same as the letter.  It took me a couple of days to email him back.  I tried to make him understand that we had tried to make it work, not only as teenagers but as adults a few years back and it just wasn’t in the cards for us.  I tried to make him see that I made my choice, that I have a family that I am commited to and that I plan to keep that family together.  I told him that yes I do think of him, at times wonder what he is doing and how he is and of course I remember our passion filled nights.  I also told him that I remembered our fight filled days, the nights of wondering where he was with, who he was with.  I don’t have any of that with Tom. I know that he loves me and would never ever cheat on me, would never betray me or our family.

I asked him to please stop talking about us together because it was not going to happen but if he wanted to continue to email me occasionally about the weather or our respective families, that would be fine.  It was a hard email to send but it would have been harder to say those things to his face.  He would have been able to read on my face that I wanted him still.  Technology is a wonderful way to hide your true self, your true feelings.  It took him a week to email me back.  He told me that he understood everything that I was saying but what about living our lives for us and not for our families.  Did I really want my children to see a marriage of convenience or did I want to show them how 2 people truly mesh together.  He asked which kind of relationship I would want for Ella or for Owen.  He told me that he is a mature adult now, all that other crap is behind him.  He knows that he loves and wants only me and that letting me walk away without a fight was the biggest mistake of his life.  If this letter had come from anyone else, I would have believed all his promises of fidelity, loyalty, honesty and a lifetime of love, but I know this man, I know him inside out and that little girl in me, who’s heart he broke so easily, tells me that she’s heard it and lived it all before.

            After a few more emails, I did tell him that if all he was going to do was torment me, then to please stop emailing me or I would simply change it.  He promised to stop and continue to simply discuss other things. 

            So now, we are joking around and simply communicating.  I have learned so much about his life now, his daughter.  And yes, we do flirt a little bit but for the most part it is innocent.  I did tell him about my site – was that wrong?  He has been reading it and only commenting to me personally about what each post has meant to him, what he hates about it and what it has taught him about me, himself and our relationship through the years.  He laughs at what people say about it, yet I know it bothers him to read strangers calling him evil and stuff.  He is the only person in my real life that I have let into this part of my life and I did it because it is all about him and rather than tell him what our relationship did to me, I let him read about it, word for word.  I let him read how he destroyed me, loved me, broke me and put me back together.  I let him read about our wild sex nights that I wrote about and he was quite flattered that I was so explicit about it.  I also let him read about my family and the love I have for them hoping in some way, he could understand why I make the choices I do.  I keep trying to tell him and myself that I am chosing not to see him anymore, just emails.  I am chosing to put all those memories behind me and not let the touch of his hand effect me anymore.

Do I love him, of course I do, I will always love that man with every ounce of who I am.  Will I ever trust that man?  No, not the way you need to trust someone to live your life with them.  Will I ever see him again, will I ever touch him again, will I allow his magic to work over me again….Too many questions for one post.

I promise to try to update more often and keep you all up to date on everything.

Today I am taking a day off from talking about myself and my problems.  You see tomorrow in my ella’s sixth birthday and I have been thinking about that little girl all day.  I still have to sit and compose my letter to her which I write every year on her birthday to remind myself and someday her of all the wonderful things she has accomplished at the age of 5.

Today I am taken back six years to the day before she was born.  I woke up around 4:30am with some amazing stomach cramps.  Being that I have colitis, I naturally thought that I was just having some pains.  Around 8:30 am, I went to the washroom and noticed some stuff that isn’t usually there (sorry to any guys that read this).  I decided to call the doctor and he assured me that all was well and to get myself to the hospital.  I called Tom and off we went.  From the time we got there, it seemed that nurses and doctors tried everything they could to get my ella to come out.  I was induced TWICE, I had my water broken but none of it worked.  She stayed put.  Her heart rate kept plummeting, so a nurse sat in my room every minute to watch the monitor.  I remember thinking, why not just go in and take her if you are so worried – I did not carry this baby for 9 months, quit smoking, eat healthy, drink milk which I hate, take vitamins that made me sick, throw up for 6 out of 9 months just to have something go wrong now because you would rather me go naturally!!!  When they broke my water, they also noticed that she had swallowed some of her mucanium – for those of you that don’t know what that is – I am not really going to explain, lets just say she got something back in her mouth that had come out of her to begin with.  That also had them worried which in turn worried me.

So, now 23 hours later, the nurse finally says that it is time to start pushing.    I pushed for almost an hour and she would not come out, she had to be sucked out – poor little thing with a cone head L   When she finally came out, of course she was the most beautiful baby in the world and I am not just saying that – she had the biggest eyes, some would say they were to big for her little cone head – she has since grown into them quite nicely.

She was not a quiet baby – not by any stretch of the imagination – she cried, and cried and then cried some more.  I think she only slept about 10 hours a day which as any mother knows is not even close to what they should sleep.  I just thank god she was my first so that when she did finally sleep – I could sleep.

She has brought me more joy than I ever thought any single person could bring to my life.  She has already become a very independent young lady.  She can get herself totally ready to leave in the morning without even a reminder from me.  She is already becoming a shopping companion, a lunch date and I want her to think of me as somewhat of a friend.  I want her to be able to tell me anything, ask me anything without thinking she will be judged.  I am already drilling into her that I am always here for her no matter what.  I tell her that as long as she always tells me the truth, I will support her.  I assure her that she is a beautiful and smart little girl.  I want her to grow up knowing these things and what other people think of her is not all that important.  Its scary to think that little girls already talk about pretty, skinny, fat, ugly, stupid at her age but they do.  I don’t want her to judge people based on their appearances, to look past their clothes, their body type, their faces.  Find a friend, a love from the inside out.

I know that yes, I do shop for her at all the trendy stores and she knows the difference between the gap and walmart but I try to make her see that clothes are just that.

I want her to become a mature, confident and fulfilled woman – I want her to find true love and let it find her.  I want her to be everything to someone and I want to know that she is taken care of but also that she can take care of herself.

So today and everyday – I will love and adore my Ella Bella.

Happy birthday sweet pea –

All my love

Mom

I know I know, I leave you with this story and just refuse to update you on what’s going on and what I did.  Well, maybe I haven’t updated you because even after all the amazing advice, I still have not told Tom.  I cannot bring myself to see that look of fear and betrayal in his eyes and now it feels too late to tell him that I ran into D a few weeks ago.  I would get the inevitable questions of, why didn’t I tell him, was it because I wanted to go there again, had I met him alone, was I going to?  So may questions and quite honestly, I have no answers for him or for any of you.  I will tell you that I did go to the games last night…..

            I told my nephew to go over to his and I would be watching Ella tonight but I would keep an eye on him, I also asked one of the other parents to watch him for me so his safety was covered.  I saw him walk up to the sidelines and start looking around, he didn’t see me, then he looked over to where I was.  I am not quite sure if he saw me or not  but he stayed on his side of the field nonetheless.  I tried to watch the game without glancing over in his direction but I couldn’t help myself.  He looked amazing and I wanted to talk to him even though I knew I shouldn’t and that I promised myself I wouldn’t.  I could hardly control my heart rate standing this far from him, what would it be like up close and personal? 

            The game ended and I gathered up Ella and realized that I had never told my nephew to come to us.  I tried yelling for him but there were way too many people around so I started what would seem like the longest walk over to his field.  When I was close enough to get a good look at D’s backside, he stood straight up and turned around, looked at me and gave me that smile that I fell in love with so very long ago.  I felt my body want to melt into him, it would be easy to just walk up and plant a kiss on him  - I have missed those lips. I smiled back and he felt that a sign to walk over to me.  The closer he got, the better he looked.  “I love my husband, I love my husband” – I could hear myself saying it to myself.  He made his way to me and we made some small talk about the games we both watched and he asked me why I didn’t watch my nephew.  I told him that I wanted to watch Ella play.  He said that he would love to watch her someday.  I didn’t offer any invitations of that what you were all thinking.  I told him that I had to run to pick up Owen at my mom’s and that it was nice to see him.  As I turned to walk away, he put his hand on my shoulder.  I turned around and he handed me an envelope and told me that he was hoping to see me here alone and to read my letter.  I tried not to take it but I will admit that curiosity got the better of me and I took it.  We said our goodbyes and I walked away.  Of course when I was about half way to the parking lot, I turned to look at him and he was still standing there looking at me.

            When we got to the car, I opened the envelope.  This is what was inside:

            My Mary,

            When I saw you the other night, I realized how very long it has been since we have talked.  I don’t want it to be that long again.  I don’t want to waste my life wondering how you are.  You still look amazing and Ella is as beautiful as I imagined she would be.  I would like it if we could at least be friends, I miss you, I always have.

It was then signed with his cel phone number

I will confess that I would love to see him, love to talk to him, we always had an amazing time together.  I miss that man!  I also am adult enough to know that we have a very physical attraction and that it would only be a matter of time and we would be having some pretty amazing sex. I would ruin my marriage, break up my family as well as his and after that, I am not even sure I would want him for the long haul.

I sound like a confused teenage girl. I have not called him but I also have not thrown the letter away.

I know all you are going to say, throw it away, tell him to go screw himself, don’t call, please don’t call.  You are all right and your advice has been outstanding and I take it, and it does make me think twice.  But I still don’t know what to do.  I have to figure this out soon!

101 RANDOM QUESTIONS:

1) Are you in a relationship with somebody?  Married to Tom, obsessed with D

2) Do you hate more than 3 people?: probably, but I can think of at least 3

3) How many houses have you lived in?: 3 houses, 1 apartment. 

4) Favorite candy bar?: wonderbar

5) Favorite shoes?: any type of sandal, hooker boots are cool too, who am I kidding, I love all shoes

6) Have you ever tripped someone? Yup – and it was funny as hell

7) Least favorite school subject? History, geography

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? No, and never will

10) Have you ever thrown up in public?: if I did, I was too drunk to remember

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind: my kids, my kids, my kids

12) Favorite genre of music?: not sure what they call it, but coldplay, greenday, nickelback

13) What is your zodiac sign?: Piecses – can’t spell it

14) What time were you born? My mom can’t remember – nice mom

15) Do you like beer?: on really hot days and only 1, then I get too bloated

16) Ever made a prank phone call? Oh yeah, haven’ we all

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own?: corey hart – still have it!

18) Are you sarcastic?: Who me?  I have been known to be a little sarcastic from time to time

19) What are your favorite colors?:pink, black, red

20) How many watches do you own? About 5 and I hardly ever wear any of them

21) Summer or winter?: Who would pickl winter – summer for sure

Why are these damn survey things always missing a ..22? dunno

23) Favorite color to wear? Black  or pink

24) Pepsi or Sprite?: neither – hate pop, if I must drink it, coke

25) What color is your cell phone? I just got the new pink razar – so cute

26) Where is your second home?: my mom’s

27) Have you ever slapped someone?: yes and it felt so satisfying
28) Have you ever had a cavity?: Yes...Years ago.

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom?: 3 – one is useless but it matches great

30) How many video games do you own?: just bought a couple for the kids v-tech but that’s it.
31) What was your first pet?: Dog

32) Ever had braces? Nope – always had perfectly straight teeth

33) Do looks matter?: I am not going to say that looks matter necessairy but initial attraction is very important, so the way someone looks is what attracts you to them so in a way yes! 

34) Do you use chap stick?: at times

35) Name 3 teachers from High School – nope

36) American Eagle or Abercombie?: American eagle for sure  cute clothes

37) Are you too forgiving?: nope

38) How many children do you want?: just the 2 I have - thanks

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?:whats that?  We don’t have that where I live

40) Favorite breakfast meal?: bagel with cream cheese and strawberry jam but I don’t have it very often – usually just yorgurt and fruit

41) Do you own a gun?: No – stupid question

42) Ever thought you were in love?: obviously – I have been in love and still am but with 1 too many people

43) When was the last time you cried?: about 2 nights ago when I started thinking too much like I always do

44) What did you do 3 nights ago?: watched Italy win the world cup – woohoo and enjoyed the night at our pool with about 20 of our closest friends for the game.

45) Olive Garden? Not bad, but I have had real Italian food – it doesn’t compare.

46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy?: Nope...What kinda of questions is that?
47) Have you ever been in a castle?:  Just the one in Toronto

48) Nicknames?: not really

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?: No

50) Ever been to Kentucky?: No

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? Yes, but once again, we don’t have one, had to buy it online

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?: Yup, D, Tom, my kids, me – anyone else and I couldn’t be working - LOL!

53) Have you ever called someone Boo? I call my daughter boo, she actually looked like Boo from monsters inc at the time it was out.  We would go out and people would tell her that so we started calling her boo. We actually call her ella-boo.

55) Do you own a diamond ring?: Yup – 3 of them and I could always use another

56) Are you happy with your life right now?: for the most part – quite satisfied but I think I expect too much out of life.  I want it all, fireworks, safety, security and risk at the same time – aren’t you glad you aren’t in my life

57) Do you dye your hair?: yes, light brown with blond highlights

58) Does anyone like you? I surely hope a lot of people like me

59) What year were you born?: 1973

60) What were you doing in May of 1994?: how the hell am I supposed to remember that.

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? No

62) McDonalds or Wendys?: Neither one...Junk.

63) Do you like yourself?: physically, I am happy with myself but there are things about me that I hate as we all do.  Emotionally, right now, no I don’t like myself

64) Are you closer to your mother or father?: I am close to both but of course I talk to my mom more

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? Eyes, abs, butt, smile, shoulders, back – who am I kidding, I love every part of them

66) Are you afraid of the dark?: Sometimes I hear noises and I hide close to Tom like a little kid

67) Have you ever eaten paste?: ummm, nope.

68) Do you own a webcam?: no, we don’t.

69) Have you ever stripped?: for someone – yes and it was very arousing and led to some great sex

70) Ever broke a bone?: nope – not yet – knock on wood!

72) Do you chat on AIM often? No
 

73) Pringles or Lays?: Lays

74) Have you ever broken someones heart? Yes, a few times and one of them is still my husband – imagine that – he must really love me

75) Rugrats or Doug?: Rugrats

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?: Full House.  – love jesse

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor? Yes, he was way too cool for his job and he was hot – all the girls needed a lot of guidance in school - LOL.

78) Has anyone ever called you fat?: No, at least not to my face but I am not fat

79) Do you have a birth mark?: Yup, on my leg

80) Do you own a car?: Yes, we own an acura 4 door and we are getting a BMW SUV  - so excited its my dream car.

81) Can you cook? Yes – pretty well too

82) 3 things that annoy you:
1. people who give advice on things they know nothing about

2. when my MIL tells me how to raise my kids
3. my BIL and SIL having a free ride

83) Do you text message often?: nope, I just call people still

84) Money or love?: Both!

85) Do you have any scars?: yes

86) What do you want more than anything right now? The answers – the answers!

87) Do you enjoy scary movies?: I have to be in the mood and the right setting – I never watch them when I am home alone – I am a chicken, also I like scary movies – not bloody movies

88) Relationships or one night stands? I have had a one night stand and it was exciting and amazing sex because I was free to do what I wanted because I knew what it was but relationships are definitely the way to live

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit? Juicy fruit

90) Do you enjoy greasy food? No, not really but occasionally I enjoy some home made  fried in lots of oil French fries but then I starve myself for the day

 91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?: Yes, who hasn’t

92) Do you own a box of crayons?: we own more than one, they are everywhere

Here we go again with missing questions!!!

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you? Owen, this morning before I left for work. I never get sick of hearing him say it(before you ask, Tom was already gone and Ella was at a friend’s house for a sleepover)

95) Who was the last person that made you mad?: D – when he touched me last week!

96) Who was the last person that made you cry?: D – when he touched me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it – I see a trend here!!!

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? Owen  - last night at swimming lessons when he told the other kids to stop crying – swimming was easy.

98) Who was the last person that you fell for?: this is a tough one for me, I plead the 5th

99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you?: no one

100) Who was the last person that called you? My daughter from her friends house last night to say good night101) Who is the person most likely to fill this out?: ??? any takers????.

Just some facts about who I am and what I will do and be someday.

Can you tell I am bored today  J

1. I am a woman, a wife, a mother
2. I am very head strong
3. I am proud of my children
4. I am very health conscious
5. I am an avid runner
6. I am still self conscious of how my body looks
7. I am in constant pain from my colitis
8. I am going to continue to hide it for my children’s sake
9. I am going to keep fighting this disease
10. I am a very busy woman
11. I am riddled with guilt over my past lover
12. I am still totally infactuated with my ex
13. I am constantly dreaming of making love to him
14. I am in love with my husband – differently
15. I am comfortable in my life
16. I am very capable of giving my children anything they want
17. I am trying not to do that though so they learn the value of working for it
18. I am going to spend this weekend in my pool with my kids
19. I am going to get past this latest obsession with D
20. I am going to remember all the reasons I love Tom
21. I am very passionate about things I believe in
22. I am very involved in my children’s academic life
23. I will continue to be involved in every aspect of my children’s lives
24. I will forget about D and what could have been
25. I will rediscover the love I have for Tom
26. I will continue to tell myself these things until I believe them
27. I will help mold my children into self sufficient responsible adults
28. I will ensure they grow up safe, happy and healthy
29. I will make memories for them to keep a lifetime
30. I will always be proud of their accomplishments
31. I will make them own their mistakes
32. I will tell them of my mistakes someday
33. I will ask for their forgiveness
34. I will sacrafice anything for my family
35. I will help them as best I can without doing it for them
36. I will continue to find ways to fight my colitis
37. I will watch my kids graduate high school and college
38. I will watch them get married
39. I will encourage them to follow their dreams
40. I will be a grandmother
41. I will grow old with Tom
42. I will not let old feelings resurface
43. I will not kiss or touch D again
44. I will not have another affair
45. I will not leave my husband for D
46. I will not teach my children that cheating is acceptable behavior
47. I will not be the talk of the town again
48. I will not behave as a teenager
49. I am happy with my life
50. I will continue to be happy with my life
51. I will not leave the life I have worked so hard to build

So do you all believe me or better yet, do I believe myself.  I cannot stop thinking about him but I cannot allow those feelings and memories to destroy the life I have built.  The football/soccer is tonight and I have not backed out yet.  I don’t know how not to go, I don’t know how not to want to see him!

Let me pose a question to the masses.  Is it possible to ever get over your great love?  The one that stole your heart away and then got away?

I have been going over this in my head for the past week, ever since I ran into D.  I have not been able to stop thinking about him or our past.

I have read all of your comments and I really do appreciate all of them and I know that I have come so far with Tom that going back now would be crazy, stupid, impossible but…..

What would my life be like today if I had chosen to stay with him.  We would of course, have Ella, but would we have anymore children together.  I do know that if I had stayed with him, I would not have Owen and of course I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

But if I take all of those things out of the equation, would I be happy?

I know that I love Tom but there is this weird connection between D and I that I cannot explain.  I know there are skeptics out there that don’t believe that kind of love and connection exists but I think its because they have never experienced it, not many people do.  Most people find someone, fall in love and its enough for them and don’t get me wrong – it is enough, its what I have with Tom, but there is a different kind of love that exists.  It is an all consuming, intoxicating, can’t live without you or with you kind of love.  I swear I am not making this shit up!  As you know, I saw D last week and it has been years since I have seen him and yet, just the sight of him sent chills down my spine and the touch of his hand was too familiar and comfortable.  His hands were made to be on my body.  We just fit but there is so much about him as a person that made me turn my back on him, but did I make the right choice?  I am one of the people in this world to have found that love they write about and I walked away from him.  Am I crazy?

Is it possible that there is no way of getting away from it or him?  What if no matter what we do, we will end up together, one way or another?  The city we live in is not a small one, yet I still manage to bump into him on occasion, even if it is every couple of years, I know that someday I will see him again. There are people I have known for years and I have not seen them in years, yet I know they still live in the city.  SO why do I see Him and not anyone else?  I am riddled with guilt about seeing him and not telling Tom, yet I am more guilty of wanting to see him again!  Maybe I was just made to wonder what if for the rest of my life but is that anyway to live?

Trust me, I know how many people’s lives it could and would affect, I know I would be a terrible woman, wife, mother but my heart aches for him even all the years I never talked about him, it ached!

I know that so many will judge me for this but  how long can I continue to fight fate?

What if I was made to be with this man, shouldn’t I be then?

If anyone has any life changing advice, please feel free – even if you don’t think I will like what you have to say – I have put it all out there and I get what I get!